Yup

My friend said I needed to post something new. So, here is an update.

I'm old.

I had my birthday and I'm officially old. Its kind of depressing.

I feel like my job now is like when I was a substitute teacher, especially on criminal calendar days. I spend most of my time making stink eyes at the prisoners and telling them to be quiet. I also have to tell people to dress more appropriately and take their hats off.

But unlike when I substituted, now I have a baton and am ok using it.

Right now we are in the middle of a headache of a divorce case, and I realized that marrying for money sometimes isn't worth it. But it also helps if you aren't simply crazy to begin with.

I still want to retire early.

The good news is that I made it to my birthday before buying another Sweet Tooth Fairy Cupcake. And then I bought two.

Its fall. The weather isn't so hot and now my TV shows are back! My nights are full once more!

Inconceivable

So, I LOVE the TLC channel. I mean, where else do you get to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, or 18 Kids and Counting, What NOT To Wear, and a myriad of other awesome shows.

One of the new shows I find interesting enough to watch is, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

And each of these women find excuses why they didn't realize they had a baby inside them for 9 months. Sometimes its conceivable. Sometimes you think, you are so stupid, why would genetics allow you to procreate?

In any case, its fun to watch. But once after watching a marathon of the shows, the thought came into my head, wait, what if I'M pregnant?

Then I realized there was a VERY important step to getting pregnant in the first place. And that event has not occurred. You are welcome Mom and Dad.

Just Practicing, I guess

So, I was living life in blissful ignorance when a co-worker mentioned that if the trend continues, this is the weekend Bar results come out. So that was freakishly scary.

So, I got all depressed and expected the worst. I went shopping, I have a big brownie on hand. I was being dramatic and melancholy and people were just going to have to deal with it!

And I wake up this morning to . . . nothing.

I don't see results on the bar webpage.

I don't see anyone's facebook status gloating...

nothing.

To be continued next week.

Debbie Downer

So, Monday we had off, but now Tuesday sucks.

Many things happened today that didn't make me a happy camper. But here are highlights. I got a call today from security asking if I would be willing to search a female inmate. Always fun. This was the second time I've had to do it. Luckily, the women have been pretty clean, so it wasn't too horrible. Although the first time, the girl was like, "Whoa! getting a little close there!" Or something of that nature. Trust me, I am not at all excited to have to pat you down. This is not the highlight of my day. Today I was in a dress, so when I had to search the legs I just gathered my skirt and crouched down and sat on my legs. Not the best tactical position, but there was another guard there, and I'm sure he would have taken her down for me.

Speaking of being tactical, we had a courtroom security training class after work. We basically learned how to be paranoid. Ask, "what if" questions. One of his "what if" questions was what would we do if a Ryder van was parked outside the courthouse. Well, since he was alluding to a truck full of explosives, especially since my office is street side, I would die. If not immediately, in a slow painful way, since I am not only street side, but also on the top floor. Color me excited. Then, we basically watched a man's suicide video. To close he said, "I just want to leave you with this. Its a numbers game. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but it will happen." "It" being a psycho coming in with weapons attacking us. Its just my guess, but he wouldn't make a great inspirational speaker.

I leave you with this "Mean Girls" sentiment that sums up my thoughts: "Oh, Hell No! I did NOT go to law school for this!"

Clip here.

Why I am NOT a Pioneer

There are several reasons why actually. God pretty much knew I couldn't handle it. I don't like camping, not even when its in a cabin with beds. I need air conditioning, heating, flushing toilets, television, electricity. I don't want to make my own soap, I don't like bonnets, long dresses, celestial hair, and a whole bunch of other things. I found out another one this weekend.

The cell phone.

Saturday I woke up to a dead phone. And after realizing I wasn't late for work, I calmed down and tried everything I could think of to make it turn on. I kept pushing the turn on button over and over for various lengths of time. I re-plugged it in. Lights would come on, just not the screen. I tried pushing the re-dial button in case something would happen. I even threw it a few times on the floor. I even went to the telephone store.

Luckily, it is under warranty so I can just call and ask them to send me a new phone. BUT they are closed for the weekend, and I have to email my sister when she's available to come over so I can use her phone because if my phone worked to make the call in the first place, I wouldn't be in this position.

So, all weekend I've felt cut off from the outside world. Luckily my internet started working, or it would have been disastrous. But now I have no alarm clock as my phone was my alarm clock. So, it'll be interesting getting to work tomorrow.