Should I Be Offended?

So, I go my brother's friend's wedding last night. Karly wanted someone to get lost with. But it was a tad awkward when we said hello to the couple and he looked at me like, "Who are you?" And then we had to explain.

Well, we had only had lunch, and we were starving, so I of course grab as much food as I can and pile it on my plate without looking like a Fatty McButterpants and sit down. Is it tacky to stand over the sausage heater plate thingy and eat? In any case, when we got back to Provo I felt the need to gym it up.

I head to the gym when the guy at the counter asks, "What are you doing here on a Friday night?" So I tell him, Just got back from a wedding, had too much cake. He said it was the best excuse he heard all night.

What I wanted to say was, I am here because I like it when people insinuate that I am a loser.

Yes, its the summer and a Friday night in Provo, so going to the gym means I don't have a date or friends. Leave me alone!

But really, the weekends are the best for they gym because there are less people so you don't have to wait for a machine or be next to anyone as you get sweaty and your face turns red. I quite like it that way!

I Never Liked Scales

I once heard that doctors are about the only people who have carte blanche to insult you. For example, "You should lose some weight," or, "That mole looks weird, you should have it checked out."

I mean, who else talks freely to women about their weight expecting not to get injured? (well, I can think of one idiot, but I digress)

Policemen.

On my first day of training the Sergeant had us get on this one scale and (he kindly deducted weight for clothing--I'm thinking of YOU doctor who ADDED weight!) then he told me the prognosis. He told me how much I weighed, exactly how many pounds of fat I was carting around, my BMI and, to make me feel more exposed, even could tell me that I was a little dehydrated, so I should drink more water. Frownsmile.

Well, the point was to see the progress we had from beginning to end. So the last day I was expecting to get weighed and told that all of the pain I was put through made a difference and I would feel better about myself. BUT THEY DIDN'T.

Not that I like being weighed. In fact, I can go years without stepping on a scale and feel good about it. But if you are going to weigh me in the first place, I'd like to make you show me something good.

Well, I've been thinking about this, so last night after the gym I decide to head up to Walmart and buy myself a scale. I lost some weight, but instead of telling me pounds of fat, it tells me a percentage, so I have to pull out a calculator. Apparently I didn't lose much fatage...but then in the morning I weighed myself again, and I lost a couple of pounds, increased my hydration, and went up a percent of fat? This is why I don't trust scales.

Knowing Words Is Cool

So, I know this girl. We used to be in the same ward. She never struck me as particularly gifted in the brain. But bless her heart anyways.

One time she called me and this other girl one boy's "harem" because we hung out with him a lot. I had to ask, did she know she just called us his prostitutes? Because that is basically what that was. "Whoops!" was all she said.

Well, we are mainly facebook friends, and recently I was invited to join her "I'm getting married" event. She entitled it, "A Night of Mayhem!"

Which is what I saw the very hour I learned that legally, "Mayhem" is when you disfigure/mutilate someone by cutting them on the face and what not.

Anyone want to go to that party with me?

Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

NAY.

Last weekend I bought my Bailiff clothes. They were hideous. I had three panick attacks. It was the worst shopping trip EVER. Ergo, I have decided not to post pictures of myself in them. I mean, I don't need them on the internet. No one needs to see this. I look like a gender confused boy.

The first attack was when I actually tried on the clothes. I thought I was prepared for it, but I was not. I had a near meltdown in the dressing room. Then I needed the pants hemmed, and the lady was like, do you need them tapered? NOOOO!!

So, I then got home and had to iron them, and that is when I looked at the tag to see what it was made out of. 70% Polyester! Panick attack 2.

Then I tried it all on. I think I actually wanted to cry.

The last week of POST wasn't so bad. We basically reviewed our defensive tactics, and my instructor that day was one we hadn't had since the first week. At the arm and leg strikes (which I stink at) he made a face. And he clarified it. It wasn't a "She hits like a girl" face, it was a "Thank God we live in America where Jordan will be generally safe enough that she'll never have to use this skill."

Then we spent an entire day getting certified for CPR. I kept wanting to watch the episode of The Office where they use the mannequins to get CPR certified. When he played Stayin' Alive to keep our chest compressions in rhythem, I wanted to sing, "First I was afraid, I was petrified..."

Well, Thursday we tested. On Monday, our workout was "light" so they made us run instead, and also took breaks to do airsquats and jumping jacks. I think I pulled a muscle doing that. Probably when I had to do jumping jacks on an slight slope. Either way, a regular workout never endangered my health.

So, I was excited for the test with a pulled muscle. We had to do a verticle jump of 17 inches, and I got that super easy. Then we had to do 29 push ups, and since I didn't want them to see me just stop after I got it done, I took it easy and got 33 in a minute. That is when the pulled muscle started to hurt again. Just in time to run the 300 meters! I did it with a second to spare. Although, I think I could have done it a little faster, but I got cut off. But whatever, I passed. Then, MIRACLE of all MIRACLES, I did the 21 push ups. The only thing that I was truly afraid I couldn't do. Small act of God. So, from that I was pumped to do the 1.5 mile run. Even though my leg was still tight. I still ran it in 13:39, which was my fasted time.

Then we had our Defensive Tactics test. We all passed that. And, the Sgt did express how much he loved us, or at least loved watching us, and hearing our noises. He was also glad that we weren't mixed in with the real cops training. Then, our last test was the legal written test, and if I didn't pass that one, I'd feel like an idiot. But I did! I'm officially passed and legal.

So, I graduated. Although, this was the worse I ever looked at graduation, even HS and probably smelled the worst as well. But I got a certificate! And I'm totally framing it and putting it next to my Law Diploma. Then, I celebrated with steak.

So Close

I had to run around last night to try to work out the kinks in my legs. However, as soon as I sat down for 2 minutes the stiffness came back. This morning we did our PT stuff again. It was 15 diamond push ups, 30 Burpees, and 60 sit ups, followed by an 800 meter run. Three times. Kirsten pointed out how there were no air squats, which I felt were awesome, especially since I couldn't move my legs, however, Burpees are worse. Because you squat down, then jump your feet back, do a push up--after already doing a diamond, then jump your feet back under you and jump up. At least this time I could actually jump my feet back and front instead of crawling like I did in Man Down.

I don't understand how working out you don't feel the previous soreness, and how running makes it better. In any case, its a tiny miracle. I will tell you this, wearing stilettos and walking up and down stairs after a crazy work out does not mix. And it was raining as we were going back and forth to lunch. I tried running. I almost fell over, mostly because I was laughing so hard at how ridiculous I looked.

In other news, Sergeant W is leaving us. I guess he has vacation starting next week, so that was our last workout with him. Its a little sad. I'll miss him. I think I'll even miss the workouts. Because while they are hard and they suck, they work. And you feel a cool sense of accomplishment when you finish, and finish before everyone else. I could do them on my own, but I probably wont--lets face it.

Official countdown: 4 days left of POST. So far, no one has said anything about graduation. I wonder if its because they assume we wont pass...

Most Awkward Day EVER

Oh Em Gee guys.

First off, I am super sore. I haven't felt this sore all over since the Man Down exercise. I don't know how tomorrow's PT is going to go.

Today we had 3 hours of Defensive Techniques. It was 3 hours of throwing each other all over the floor. Awesome. We reviewed pretty much everything. So, its already awkward searching each other because you have to search everywhere.

Today's new technique was getting out of headlocks, chokeholds front and back. The guy who sweats a lot, I was just hoping that when he put me in a chokehold that his arms were dry. But when we were put in a headlock, that is when it got SUPER awkward.

The move out is to "T" up with the person, stick your head in his GUT, (awkward, but wait for it) THEN we had to "distract" the person by hitting them in the CROTCH and REAR. Believe me, the LAST thing I EVER wanted to do is to come close to hitting or being anywhere near the general area of my classmate's nether regions. Then there were other moves to get out, and trust me, I was never so happy to get out of that situation in my entire life.

I think I might need some therapy.

5 days to go.

Title Here

Starting with this weekend: Boys after Ward Prayer wanted to see my cuffing skills, and then I used them to practice more defense techniques because we get tested soon. All went well, until I tried to push this guy, who was a bit bigger, and sorely injured my arm. Luckily on Monday we just had classroom work, so no need to use it. 

Today we had DT and PT.  We learned how to take down people trying to punch and/or roundhouse punch us.  It wasn't too bad, except one of the guys in our class is SUPER sweaty. I had to take him down and he was so sweaty I lost hold of his arm. It was gross. And, he's the only guy in the class, who is taller and bigger than me. We are supposed to go 25-30% but I swear he goes all out. So I was swung like a rag doll. At one point he accidentally kicked me in the head as I went down. And then I felt the pain in my shoulder.  

Then we did PT. The original workout was 25 push ups, 50 sit ups, 75 air squats, a broad jump to the curb then an 800 meter run, done 4 times. However, it was raining outside and we got soaked, so to make sure we didn't slip he told us that in lieu of the run, we should do 4 sets of stairs. Which, right after 75 air squats is a little extra difficult. PS, the stairs are 4 stories. It wasn't so bad. I'm getting used to the workouts. Not that I don't think I'll be in great pain tomorrow, but they don't surprise me anymore. 

Although, another class was in the workout room today cleaning it up around us as we did our workout, and at one point one was asking me a simple question like, "What set are you on?" I answered him, but I was in the middle of air squats and I about lost what number I was on, so I was like, "Don't talk to me, I lose count." Didn't mean to be so abrupt...I just didn't want to start over again!  

In other news, after the workout in the locker room we saw a woman from the other class and we asked her to be completely honest. Do the other classes make fun of us. And it just confirmed to us that, yes, we are laughed at. Maybe not all the time, but those amused smiles they give us are hiding laughter. 

Tender Mercies

Today was a good day. We were supposed to have 5 hours of class in the morning, and after lunch, another 5 hour class. But our instructor, knowing our queasiness in seeing murder victims, and realizing we didn't have the absolute need to go thru in detail how to preserve a crime scene or transport evidence, did the work of 10 hours in 3.  Then we did a mock murder scene in a dorm room, and were completely done at 10:30 in the morning. 

We had no idea what to do. So we went to an early lunch. Then we felt like this was a trick. Like they'd yell at us if we tried to leave. So we went to talk to the Sergeant and they said we were good to go! Although at first they did threaten us with PT for the afternoon. My biggest worry, besides the fact that my calves feel like they are going to fall off, is that my PT clothes haven't been washed since yesterday, and I didn't want to start off a workout smelling!

So, as we were leaving another cadet from another class walked out and mentioned how he completed the PT we did yesterday. Apparently, I was only 3 or so minutes behind him, so I didn't feel so bad! But I talked to Stacey, who has a neighbor who has a brother in POST, and apparently they know about us, and he smiled when he said it. Which kind of confirms to me that they are all laughing at us. 

In other good news: we are given a card with 6.50 on it for lunch everyday, and I had some money left over, so I decided to buy a Symphony chocolate bar. The lunch lady was like, "How do you do it? You eat this and you are still super skinny!" I love that woman. (Even though I accidentally told her one day that I didn't like french fries and now feel like I can't ever order them). 

In other news, I probably should buy my uniform this weekend. That is a little depressing. Look forward to pictures of me in it with a frownsmile.

Girly

Yesterday in DT we were reviewing all we've learned. Including, but not limited to pushing. I'm pretty sure I went further trying to push Kirsten than Kirsten went. I did a weird spasmic movement. I immediately turned to the instructor and said, "Sorry! That was girly!" He had a look on his face that was a mix between, "what was that!" and "I don't know what to do or where to go from there!"  So that was fun. I really didn't think that pushing would be my sore point.

Also, at lunch, a few people from other classes and other instructors came up to us to say hi, and ask how we've been doing. I know comparatively, we are not the strongest class. And everyone knows who we are, because we are the smallest class of 5, and you can hear our screams coming from the work out rooms.  I started to wonder what they say about us when we're not there. I'm sure they have fun. 

Today, we did PT.  Usually we've been having DT first, as kind of a buffer in the morning. But today it was first thing. Its hard. I have to wake up early, and I can't eat anything that early in the morning. I have to shove something in my mouth. And then I was worried, because they like to make you throw up in workouts, and I didn't want to give them an advantage by not having enough time to digest my food.  Basically all I got down was half a banana.  Then I walked into the room and saw the workout. It was the workout I was dreading all weekend. It was the 50-40-30-20-10 reps, and after each set we ran up 4 flights of stairs, first time we did one round, and after each rep we did one more. So by the last set of 10 we had to run up the stairs a grueling 5 times.  All in all, we did 150 air squats, push ups, and sit ups, and ran up and down the stairs 15 times.

I'll admit it. I cried. Well, I had to laugh. Because that is how I cope. Then I started crying. Not sobbing, but tears came out. And then the sergeants looked like they had no idea what to do with me. I compose myself and we start the workout, and miraculously, for the first time since the first workout, my quads feel good enough that I can do my 90 degree bend without searing pain. Then I keep my back straight during the push ups, and while they could be lower, I can do them. Push ups are never a problem. And I just wont let myself stop on the stairs. I finished first again, which I like. And they didn't complain about my form once. I had to tell the one sergeant, You just got to let me get my nerves out at the beginning. 

So, that was fun. We even got out of or day at 4.  So, all in all, not a bad day. I will say that I do provide some great moments at POST. They shall not soon forget me!

Working It

Today started out not good. I couldn't get to sleep, and then, since my internal clock is all off, I woke up at 3 am in fear that I missed my alarm. NOPE! And then I couldn't get back to sleep again. So I showed up to POST super excited for the day. 

Defensive Tactics (DT), was not my finest day.  Usually its fun and I get the moves pretty quickly. Today I was off. We learned how to hit from the hips today and pivot. I could move all right, but the force behind it was the wimpiest thing you've ever seen.  The visiting teacher there was well over 6 feet tall and well built. When he hit the mat, he moved the guy holding it. When I hit the mat he held, I'm pretty sure I moved back. After awhile he just started laughing when it was my turn. So that was fun, if not funny. And then we also learned how to push in case someone tries to get away from you doing a search. He pushed me and I went flying. I pushed him, and he stumbled a bit...occaisionally falling. I need practice. Seriously, who wants to help?

Then we had to go to the lockers to switch shoes and put our cuffs away and I had to hold myself together contemplating the work before me.  In PT I had heard we were supposed to do Airsquats, push ups, sit ups and running in reps of 50, 40, 30, 20, 10.  Which, I didn't think we had enough time to finish, nor the strength to do. I was happy to see the other Sergeant there, not the one from Thursday.  He is really helpful and super nice and I love him.  Then I noticed that our workout was modified. We did reps of 25, 4 times. He even cut it down from 8 times so that we could focus on our form and not get worn out and try to rush thru it. I love this Sergeant. He helps, and I think he just knows how to encourage different types of people, and by different, I mean not sit on your golden throne and yell at you. Instead, he does it with you, and basically is my hero. 

Also, he totally laughed and got the reference to "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!"  And he laughs in general, a little at me. I have a pain in my left quad that will not go away, so I wince and pseudo swear whenever we do airsquats or lunges.  So, he laughs.  But he also will always give me a stretch to do to try to work the kinks out. 

So, maybe it was the endorphins, but I was loving Sergeant W today. 

And then we spent the entire afternoon looking at uncensored crime scenes of gunshot victims. Whatever, I love Sergeant W!