Sometimes

Sometimes when I get ready for court and look in the mirror, and I'm wearing that uniform, and I realize I have pretty much stopped bothering putting on makeup, I think of this quote.

"So how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas, Pam clearly has just given up trying."

Ghetto Fabulous

I decided I wanted to decorate my apartment for Christmas. When we had the condo, we at least had a tree and things to make the place look cheery. As of yesterday, my apartment had a balcony that if you looked out of, you could see my roommate's dead tomato plants...

Off to the dollar store I went! I made my own wreath. It had two options. To be Ghetto or Fabulous, and I think its a combination of both.

And to be consistent with every other year, whilst I decorated, I listened to A Soulful Celebration of Handel's Messiah. And it was Awesome! When Stacey Nancy stayed this weekend we listened to the regular (boring) Handel's Messiah, and the Soulful one. The regular one was fine. I think the Soulful one has much more flair. Something to dance to and be happy with when decorating.

All I need now is a Nativity Scene.

Lights, My Camera, Action!

I've lived in Utah since 2003, and I have yet to see the lighting up of Temple Square. To be fair, some of those years I've been home for Christmas. And to be really fair, it wasn't that much cooler than walking around Temple Square any other night.

Stacey Nancy, Sara, Sally, my roommate Tori, and I decide (and by decide, I mean I force them) to leave Provo around 4pm so that we can park and be at Temple Square for the 5:30 lighting. We get up there about a quarter after, and we try to find parking, but its terrible. We finally decide to go to one of those lots and just pay, but try as we might, we couldn't find a place to pay, but we parked anyway. To be on the safe side, I had my badge with me, and we put it on the dash. Stacey wondered if it actually did anything, but as sally said, we don't get paid enough so we'll use what we have to try to make up for it!

We get to the Square, and as I'm looking at the Tabernacle, the lights go on. I know this because everyone else is going "OOOH!" I totally missed it. I think they should do a count down or something.

Bachelorette in Vegas

Not as exciting as it sounds.

Well, our law school friend Ankitha is getting married, and so we decided to drive down to Vegas to see her before she left for India to get married. It seemed a good idea. I mean, Ankitha lives there now, and so does another friend of ours, Natalia. And it was a short drive from L.A. if Jenn could make it. So, Liz and I made the trek down south.

It was snowing when we left Provo, and when we got to Vegas it was so HOT. We hung out with Ankitha, wandered the strip with Natalia, and then went to dinner with Ankitha and some of her friends.

Liz and I were worried. As mormons, we know the difference between a bachelorette/bridal shower is only slightly different from a baby shower. Basically what changes is the games and the gifts.

WE knew what we were doing. But Ankitha invited her childhood friend from San Francisco, and she bought a plane ticket. I'm sure she thought the day would be more exciting. But Liz and I were so tired from driving early getting there that after dinner we were pooped. Ankitha's friend wanted to go to a club, or at least a bar. She didn't want to sit on a couch watching a movie the rest of the night. Ah well, we wanted to see Ankitha Satyam once more, and we did.

Government Workers

We get Veterans Day off. Random Wednesday holiday.

Jealous?

PS. My friend who was hired late for the American Fork court finishes POST this Thursday. I swear it goes faster when you aren't there. I felt like it lasted forever while I was in it, but to me on the outside, it feels like she just started.

Halloween

This Halloween was pretty fun. My sister made my nieces fairy costumes from the movie Tinkerbell. Charley was Tink, and Gabby was Rosetta (Springtime fairy). Holy cuteness Batman, they are adorable!So, I drove up to Lehi to see them and ended up going trick or treating with them. So fun! Although, Gabby pretty much fell asleep as soon as we got outside. That was pretty much the best part of the night.

Then I met up with Sally and Alicia and went to a dance. It was in a barn in Payson, and they were like, Its a REAL dirt floor! I don't really see how that is a bonus. And then watching a bunch of white kids from Utah "get down" is also scary/uncomfortable. It was still fun.

Here we are as Dark Angel, Medusa, and Billie Holiday...obviously.

True Story

It is no surprise that some of the most ridiculous people come to court. Here are fun examples.

One woman wrote a letter to the Court when her son was about to be sentenced for some crimes, I'm sure you could imagine what crimes by the contents.

It went something like this: He has done some very wrong things and does indeed need to be punished. Could he get some treatment while in jail? Also, as part of his release later on, could he agree to be voluntarily castrated?

Next, there is a woman with 3 separate lawsuits going on at the same time. Why? Because she is crazy, litigious, and has an incompetent attorney.

One lawsuit is a malpractice claim against her first attorney because within the space of the 2 weeks he wasn't able to get her kids back.

She said--in open court--that because of him, she suffered worse than any Jew did during WWII.

This is a woman who still gets visitation of her children, who lives in one of the richest neighborhoods, and gets 5k a month in alimony. Truly, she has suffered. A fellow bailiff dared me to pin a star of David on her. I thought perhaps shaving her head would be a better option.

PS. someone mentioned that she looked like the lady on the cover of The Witches. I tend to agree. Only she has the added benefit of a Bump-It-type Utah hairdo.

Highlights

I'm afeared of the Swine Flu. Today in court people kept coughing and sneezing and touching things. I'm becoming very germophobic.

So, as court is wrapping up and I'm cleaning up the mess, one of the attorneys is there, and he is an older man. Lets give him the age of 60. He comes up to me and starts out with this sentence, "I don't mean to be chauvinistic, but--"

Which, tells me something awesome is about to happen.

Then he goes on to say, "When did they get such attractive Sheriffs? I committed 4 felonies today, put me in handcuffs and arrest me!"

Gross old man. Gross. You could be my grandpa. I don't know about my handcuffs, but if I had my baton, I just might use it right now!

Dear Diary,

I think I am suffering from a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not sure what I thought they were doing yesterday, but I'm fairly certain it included a Rambo-like/Scorched Earth Theory of Warfare. I figured they'd come into my courtroom with guns blazing. And then last night I was up with dreams about actual men bursting into my courtroom, and even though I hid from them behind the clerk's bullet-proof desk, they still came after me. This is what my job does to me.

I was afraid to go to my courtroom today after my dream. But then I remembered I had a jury trial today. It was then that my fear of looking like an idiot in front of a group overcame my fear of death by firing squad.

Oh, a jury trial. I was afeared of it. But it wasn't too bad. I had already set things up on Friday, and I was actually a little early for work. BIG surprise. It was a criminal case. It went pretty fast. The trial was supposed to go two days, but ended up being only today. Well, it was a long day. The jury started to deliberate at 4:30 so I had to order food--which means I got some too. This is good news. I bought food for the jury to last 2 days and we were only there for one. Hence, leftovers!

Neither A nor B

Today was the Funtivities Day. We started in Spanish Fork Courtroom learning how to clear rooms and look out for crazies with guns. My job was basically to be a lookout. While they were searching in the rooms, I had to be sure no one came out down the hall. At one point someone walked out across the hall and I yelled, "GUN?!" and pranced away to the nearest cover. Then the officers ran after him. My friend laughed at me because I said it as a question. But really, I didn't see a gun, I just saw a person, and I panicked. He DID have a gun. But this could really be bad in an actual situation if I yell GUN and there isn't one. And this is just with AirSoft guns. Imagine me in a real situation. Um, I would pick someone else.

Then I watched others as they trained in the ground wrestling/Jujitsu stuff. It was optional, so I didn't do it. I've had enough old smelly, sweaty men on top of me. No more! Then we had lunch.

After lunch we went to our courthouse to do courtroom situations. When we weren't doing real life situations, we were in a courtroom watching real live situations where the Sh*t hit the fan in the courtroom. I was only in there for about 10 minutes. I was the first to be called out. And I sat in my courtroom for a bit. Nothing happened, so I went to my office to listen to messages and what not. Then I heard something crazy go down, so I locked my door, turned off the computer and light, and crawled under my desk.

Then I texted a friend who said we should be in our courtroom, so courtroom I went. There was an inmate and a transport officer sitting there. Then some crazy guy walked in talking about rocks. Then I hear ruckus behind me in the holding cell area, so I call downstairs to report when I find out there is supposed to be a hostage situation. As I'm on the phone people walk in with guns pointing! So, I am still on the phone and you bet I'm crawling under the clerk's desk! (bullet proof)

I don't know what went on, besides some yelling and guns pointing. I wasn't sure if the people with guns were Police men or the people taking us hostage. Alls I knew was that I wasn't going to make any noise and I was hiding. And this is me when the worst that could happen was getting shot with AIR SHOT guns!

I hid under two desks, and I am unashamed. I am not paid enough to be put in imminent danger. I'm also not paid enough to be put in pain, even if it is air soft. There are supposed to be 2 kinds of reactions to crazy situations. Fight or Flee. I realize that I do neither. I hide. And I hide good! And now, I look for the best hiding places.

I can say that I really appreciate those who are daring enough to go after people with guns. Good for them. They are sometimes stupid/crazy, but I'm glad they are willing to do what I clearly will not.

History

So, I've mentioned before, that the courts are closed tomorrow due to Columbus/Indigenous Day, but as I am employed by the county, and the county doesn't get tomorrow off, we have funtivities day. And part of that fun was supposed to be shooting guns.

I have since learned that guns have been cancelled, and perhaps in its place, courtroom security classes. They include someone pretending to be a disgruntled civilian with a gun and I have to shoot him as a bailiff. Which could be fun, if we didn't also have to pretend to be the civilian. So basically, I have to get shot at. Which, once again is totally unreal.

We don't get guns. Ergo, should one get smuggled in, I'm just dropping behind the Clerk's bullet proof desk and pushing the panic button. I am not a hero.

So, tomorrow looks to be a fantastic day... I have to go into work, and then convince the Police men that I don't want to wrestle on the ground with old men anymore. And then I have to convince them that being shot at--pretend or not--is NOT something I want to do as well.

Its Indigenous Day! If they make me work I should be getting time and a half!

Once again, the Native gets the shaft.

Positive Crap!

Here are some awesome things going on.

Today was one of the first days in a long time I wasn't in court for the entire day. Back to court I go tomorrow, so it didn't last, but it was fun while it lasted. I am finally getting files off my desk! You can almost see it. And then before lunch the judge asked me to find a case en point for what he wanted to rule on. And I had to basically skim through fifty cases, but I found one that said what he wanted, and was after the year 1954, and sent it to him. And then he came by my office to say that it was absolutely perfect, how did I find it, and I’m going to make him look like a genius. So that was fun. I fooled another again!

This morning I wanted to turn youtube on so that I could listen to some music as I worked, but like they did with facebook, walmart, and a few other websites, it was now blocked! But then Kiersty tried facebook again, and it was so on! So, Debi was confused when she saw my body whiz past her office so I could log onto facebook. I’m a dork. Whatever, live with it!

Ever since the summer I pretty much stopped working out. And I had actually learned to enjoy it. But laziness is so much easier. However, I feel myself getting fatter. So, when two bailiffs suggested we do a Biggest Loser Bailiff edition I felt good about it. So, hopefully this will be my inspiration to finally get down to that driver’s license weight. But this also means Lent comes early as I need to give up Cupcakes, and pretty much every good food out there. Pain Train here I come.

And, the coolest of all, is our Funtivities day. I had mentioned before that Columbus

Day/Indigenous Day, is a state holiday, so the courts are out, but our county bailiff jobs don’t get that day off, so they had to make up activities for us to do. They wanted us to do ground fighting, but I’m so over having to fight old sweaty men. So, they said we didn't have to do that. Then they said we could go to the shooting range instead. I’ll finally be able to shoot GUNS!

That is pretty awesome. So, maybe the other news wasn't as cool, but shooting makes up for it!

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Being in court all day on a bench trial, with witnesses up the wazoo (legal technical term) and a nearly incompetent attorney equals headache. It also makes me realize that the ability to distinguish between WHEN and WHERE is a lost art. Or nearly there.

For example:

Q: When did you last see Billy?

A: In the mall.

(Sound of Judge's exasperated sigh, and banging of head against desk)

I swear I learned the difference between the who, what, where, when, why, and how while attending Field Club Elementary. Readers, be forewarned. Should you enter my courtroom and make that mistake, there will be laughter and jeers til my throat is sore! And then I will put you in handcuffs just for fun.

Yup

My friend said I needed to post something new. So, here is an update.

I'm old.

I had my birthday and I'm officially old. Its kind of depressing.

I feel like my job now is like when I was a substitute teacher, especially on criminal calendar days. I spend most of my time making stink eyes at the prisoners and telling them to be quiet. I also have to tell people to dress more appropriately and take their hats off.

But unlike when I substituted, now I have a baton and am ok using it.

Right now we are in the middle of a headache of a divorce case, and I realized that marrying for money sometimes isn't worth it. But it also helps if you aren't simply crazy to begin with.

I still want to retire early.

The good news is that I made it to my birthday before buying another Sweet Tooth Fairy Cupcake. And then I bought two.

Its fall. The weather isn't so hot and now my TV shows are back! My nights are full once more!

Inconceivable

So, I LOVE the TLC channel. I mean, where else do you get to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, or 18 Kids and Counting, What NOT To Wear, and a myriad of other awesome shows.

One of the new shows I find interesting enough to watch is, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

And each of these women find excuses why they didn't realize they had a baby inside them for 9 months. Sometimes its conceivable. Sometimes you think, you are so stupid, why would genetics allow you to procreate?

In any case, its fun to watch. But once after watching a marathon of the shows, the thought came into my head, wait, what if I'M pregnant?

Then I realized there was a VERY important step to getting pregnant in the first place. And that event has not occurred. You are welcome Mom and Dad.

Just Practicing, I guess

So, I was living life in blissful ignorance when a co-worker mentioned that if the trend continues, this is the weekend Bar results come out. So that was freakishly scary.

So, I got all depressed and expected the worst. I went shopping, I have a big brownie on hand. I was being dramatic and melancholy and people were just going to have to deal with it!

And I wake up this morning to . . . nothing.

I don't see results on the bar webpage.

I don't see anyone's facebook status gloating...

nothing.

To be continued next week.

Debbie Downer

So, Monday we had off, but now Tuesday sucks.

Many things happened today that didn't make me a happy camper. But here are highlights. I got a call today from security asking if I would be willing to search a female inmate. Always fun. This was the second time I've had to do it. Luckily, the women have been pretty clean, so it wasn't too horrible. Although the first time, the girl was like, "Whoa! getting a little close there!" Or something of that nature. Trust me, I am not at all excited to have to pat you down. This is not the highlight of my day. Today I was in a dress, so when I had to search the legs I just gathered my skirt and crouched down and sat on my legs. Not the best tactical position, but there was another guard there, and I'm sure he would have taken her down for me.

Speaking of being tactical, we had a courtroom security training class after work. We basically learned how to be paranoid. Ask, "what if" questions. One of his "what if" questions was what would we do if a Ryder van was parked outside the courthouse. Well, since he was alluding to a truck full of explosives, especially since my office is street side, I would die. If not immediately, in a slow painful way, since I am not only street side, but also on the top floor. Color me excited. Then, we basically watched a man's suicide video. To close he said, "I just want to leave you with this. Its a numbers game. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but it will happen." "It" being a psycho coming in with weapons attacking us. Its just my guess, but he wouldn't make a great inspirational speaker.

I leave you with this "Mean Girls" sentiment that sums up my thoughts: "Oh, Hell No! I did NOT go to law school for this!"

Clip here.

Why I am NOT a Pioneer

There are several reasons why actually. God pretty much knew I couldn't handle it. I don't like camping, not even when its in a cabin with beds. I need air conditioning, heating, flushing toilets, television, electricity. I don't want to make my own soap, I don't like bonnets, long dresses, celestial hair, and a whole bunch of other things. I found out another one this weekend.

The cell phone.

Saturday I woke up to a dead phone. And after realizing I wasn't late for work, I calmed down and tried everything I could think of to make it turn on. I kept pushing the turn on button over and over for various lengths of time. I re-plugged it in. Lights would come on, just not the screen. I tried pushing the re-dial button in case something would happen. I even threw it a few times on the floor. I even went to the telephone store.

Luckily, it is under warranty so I can just call and ask them to send me a new phone. BUT they are closed for the weekend, and I have to email my sister when she's available to come over so I can use her phone because if my phone worked to make the call in the first place, I wouldn't be in this position.

So, all weekend I've felt cut off from the outside world. Luckily my internet started working, or it would have been disastrous. But now I have no alarm clock as my phone was my alarm clock. So, it'll be interesting getting to work tomorrow.

The Difference a Year Makes

On Monday, it was the first day of law school classes. For me, Monday was another day of training at the jail. We learned the asp. Why we need 3 hours to learn how to swing a stick...

Once again we trek to the jail. We have to sit through a lecture about how you open an asp, blah blah blah. Then we go to the SWAT building to practice. And we do this for 3 hours, while the skin on my knuckles slowly wear away from constantly hitting a cushion. For practice we use our asps to hit, and if anything I hated that the most, because I always felt that the guy practicing would miss and hit me in the knees, Nancy Kerrigan-ing me.

BUT, for the "real life" practice, that was a different story. Well, first off, the instructor asked if we've ever been in a fight. Now, growing up, I'm pretty sure me and my brothers and sisters fought, a lot. And while we engaged in death fights, I mostly remember hitting and running away so that we "won" the fight. Whomever hit last always wins. Which, I'm fine with doing in the court room. He then asked if we ever got hit in the face, because when he came at us in a lobster outfit he wanted us to know what it felt like to get hit in the face. I told him, I was hit in the face with a discus.

Well, we had to stand in a sumo ring and fight the officer in a lobster suit. Which, is stupid. If someone really came at me and I brought out the asp, it would be a REAL asp, NOT a foam stick, and he wouldn't be covered in padding. And if I really had to fight for 2 minutes, I would also get out my pepper spray. But mostly I would wonder, "Where the H#!! is security?!" At one point the guy falls on me and I have to kick him off. I also hit him in the groin with the knee. Seriously, who wouldn't be down after that?

It was super disgusting all around. And now these past 2 mornings Kirstin and I felt like we've been through a car accident. But don't worry, we're not bitter.

State v. County

Because I am a law clerk as well as a bailiff I work for 2 different entities, and have muliple bosses. I'm a stateish employee because of my judge, and the county through the sheriff's office. In any case there are certain holidays that the state gets off when the county doesn't, and vice versa. For example, the day after Thanksgiving and Columbus day.

So, the solution they have come up with is that we outright get the day after Thanksgiving off. But, as far as Columbus day, we can't get it off, but the courts wont be open. So they have come up with something for us to do. Mandatory Fun Activities.

FUNTIVITIES!

I hope there will be management parables.

Manic Monday

It was just one of those Mondays. You know, when you take a 4 hour nap on Sunday so you don't even go to bed til 2 am. (That can't be just me.) So you wake up all tired for work on Monday. Then you have a pile of stuff to do, idiots calling you all morning, and are hungry. Then your wind tunnel of an office goes nuts. Classic, universal Monday morning.

THEN after work Kirstin and I make plans to go to Sweet Tooth Fairy to help us overcome our case of the Mondays, but it was CLOSED! Apparently they don't like Mondays so much that they don't even open. How could you do this to me STF. I thought we were friends.

We also run to the dollar store because, I GOT PEPPER SPRAYED TODAY!

We wanted some baby shampoo to wash our faces and a shower cap to protect our hair. We found the shampoo, but apparently it was too much to ask for a shower cap. And then we further angered the loyal workers when Kirstin said, "If you are shopping at the dollar store, why on earth would you buy an ovulation kit? Because obviously you are in a great place in your life to start a family? And for Heaven's sake why is it near the register? This is not an impulse buy!"

Well, then we headed to the jail, once again, to get tortured. We talked about a strange weird co-worker who may or may not have quit, because apparently, no one likes her. And then we embarked on an evening discussing how bad getting sprayed hurts and what to do if someone crazy ends up in your courtroom, and how to decontaminate.

Once again, after hearing about all the great and dreadful things pepper spray does, I started to laugh. And once again, the sergeant just stared at me and asked why in the world was I laughing. (At least I wasn't crying as well.) Kirstin had to tell him this is just what I do. Don't mind Jordan.

Then it was time to be sprayed. Kirstin went first, and she said it hurt, but she recovered in like, 5 minutes. Which, all the sergeants were impressed with. Then Chris went, and he had a much worse time. Then again, he asked to be sprayed twice. Then it was my turn, but I refused to let them spray me until there was a clear path to the big tub of water.

In the meantime, the Police Officer with the spray can was getting directions on how to spray. I was like, are you practicing on me! I need an experienced sprayer! I need to get this over quick and dirty. He said he sprayed before. Well, then it was my turn. The first time, I think the wind got most of it and it was a light spray. Yes, I said the FIRST time, because he did it again and without warning! Then I stood there while they waited for me to scream I guess.

But it didn't really hurt. The Police Officer checked, Yup, I definitely had it all over my face. I could even open my eyes right away and walk myself to the tub of water. I washed my face because it had spray on it. But other than that, I was fine. I could feel my skin tingling and sting a little, especially on my cheek bones and lips. That was it. Super anti-climactic. I have friends who wanted someone to film this. How bored they would have been. I didn't even swear. It didn't really hurt. I even braced myself for cursing God, because I didn't want to do it in a fit of pain and then get smitten as well as sprayed. Nothing. I think if anything I was in shock about how much I wasn't writhing in pain.

I like to think that I just have a superior and high tolerance for pain. You have my permission to be impressed.

Dream Fulfilled

You know how people always ask kids, “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

And for lack of imagination, a lot of kids either say the old Doctor, Lawyer, or Indian Chief—which phrase I hate. Figure out why.

Well, I did not lack imagination. According to the journal my mom kept for me, I wanted to be either a Pom Pom Girl, or American Gladiator. (Well, I guess I pronounced it Gladi-eater). Either option being super girly or quite mannish. I had not figured out moderation.

Friday my brother and sister-in-law, hereinafter “Karlos,” moved to their new apartment. It wasn’t too bad because there was an elevator. And I suggested an assembly line of sorts, from the truck to the door, the door to the elevator, up the elevator, and from the elevator to their apartment. I was the last leg.

FINALLY, we all got to the last of the items in the truck. The sectional couch. The first part to come up was the long part. It didn’t quite make it into the elevator so the boys had to take it up the stairs. I ran to meet them so I could live out a FRIENDS episode and yell out “Pivot!” but they needed some extra help, so I ended up grabbing it from the top.

So, for about 3 flights of stairs I had that couch on my back, or had to lift it above my head like a body builder. Or just grab it and go. Eventually it made it inside the apt. But Karly later on joked that I was like an American Gladiator and needed a name, like Nitro or something, but I always preferred Ice.

So, while I sold out to become a Juris Doctor, Lawyer, and Indian Princess, that night, I lived out my childhood dream of being an American Gladiator.

Cupcakes!

I have discovered Sweet Tooth Fairy, aka pure bliss.

Kirstin, Kiersty and I went there after lunch on Wednesday, and it was the most delightful experience. So much so that we decided we needed to go there again on Friday to celebrate Friday and Payday.

However, we also decided our Thursday needed spicing up, and we went there again. Kiersty thought we should buy 2 that day so that they didn't start to recognize our faces. I told her that if I bought 2 today, I will still have 0 tomorrow.

Don't worry, we went back on Friday for our cupcakes. Some guy cut me off on the ride back to work on Friday, and my friend in the car said she really wanted me to honk at him. I had to tell her, "My right hand is holding the wheel, and my left hand is holding my cupcake. I am NOT dropping the cupcake to honk."

"I can respect that," was the reply.

We definitely need to cut back on the Cupcake runs. Definitely no more than 2 a week.

Flash Dance

I can't go back to Guru's for a few weeks.

I went to lunch today with a friend and it took a half hour, but we finally decided on Guru's. It is a normal lunch. We chat, we eat, we talk about our weird emo waiter in skinny jeans, cowboy boots and handlebar mustache. We decide he's doing a very literal translation of Brokeback Mountain.

Well, its time to go back to work, which means it is time to stand up. Which, I am unable to do. Apparently my foot had fallen asleep. So, when I put weight on my sleepy foot it collapses on me. And, in front of the whole restaurant I have to catch myself on the table. Not entirely sure, but this means I might have flashed a few people in my skirt.

Thus, I wont be going back to Guru's until I am forgotten by the patrons of this afternoon.

Gone Courting

Today was my first day in court, and in my man uniform. I get to work at 8 and I think I don't have court til 10:30, so I mozy around to get things ready, when at 8:20 I ask the Court Clerk about the exact time of court, when she said it was 8:30. CRAP.

I race to fill up the water jugs, CHANGE, unlock the doors to the courtroom, get the TV in there. GREAT way to show my Judge what I can do!

So, court starts about 5 minutes late. But its all right. My judge seems really nice. I don't think he was in a huge rush. Plus, the DA's office sent in paperwork late and we needed a 1/2 hour recess to process the paperwork anyways.

Court wasn't as scary as I was thinking it would be. And since I was in court with a bunch of alleged felons, I didn't really mind looking like an unattractive man. Although, when I had to announce the judge in and out, it felt so weird, and I might have made a face, which I need to control. A moot court judge once said that you can see my "inner dialogue," which isn't the greatest thing in a courtroom.

However, I'd be a great actress.

7 Years

Last week was my first official week of real working. On Thursday all the clerk/bailiffs went to lunch because it was one of the clerk/bailiff's last Thursday. Why a last Thursday is significant...I don't know. In any case, we all go to Guru's and Lunch. (I think I'll try using more nouns as verbs.) All, that is, except the guy leaving. He was gone in the morning, and hadn't returned yet. But being that some of us had court, we couldn't wait for him to arrive. Tiny details. So, it wasn't really a celebrating your leaving, its a celebrate you are leaving.

Then it was someone's fiftieth birthday. I think the older ladies there overestimated my ability to metabolize and gave me a slice of cake from both cakes and ice cream. Don't mind me, I ate all of it, but I didn't feel good about it!

On Friday I went to UVU to take the MPRE, the ethics portion of the Bar. I met some friends. Yay for last minute mandatory testing! Well, we get there and apparently no one at the testing center knows anything about the MPRE. So, someone has to call the State Bar office to figure it all out. Its annoying for sure, but I figure, we really are at UVU taking this test...the Cornell of Utah, or is it the Cor-NOT of Utah. (Maybe you'll get that reference if you watch The Office).

And lastly, I bought things to decorate my office space. (See previous post about its prison-like qualities). Well, I hung up one of those things you put pictures in, but with a ribbon. I don't know words. Anyways, I hung these up vertically: picture board thing, oval mirror, and second picture thing. And, because I am afeared of nailing things into walls, I put those sticky hook things on the wall.

About five minutes til quittin' time, the top hook came off, hit the mirror under it, and they both fell. The mirror broke and the hook it was on also broke. So, I throw away the mirror and the hook, then I take off the broken hook. I also take off part of the wall with it. Then, since there is only one hook left in tact, I figure I'd get nails and take off the last hook, also taking part of the wall with it. So now, I need to find some white out to cover up the patches. I'm that classy.

The Office

I started my job on Monday. Its really weird to think that it wont end in a few weeks when school starts back up. This is a for real job. I have dental.

It hasn't been so bad. My judge is out of town all week, so I'm being eased into it. My office is like the red headed step child. The guy who had it before upgraded to a bigger one a floor down and with windows. And since he was moving, he didn't care to move furniture so that the walls could be painted a nice color instead of the prison wall white it currently is. Also, its super cold there, and if I keep the door open-as everyone else does- there is a wind tunnel effect that lifts the ceiling tiles up and makes a whistling sound.

Also, I'm at the end of the hall near the copier machine. So, I was sitting there with my door shut when I hear this chomping noise, like someone is chowing down on chips like there is no tomorrow. So, its super awkward. It happens each day, and then I realize, its the printer.

But really, I've never gotten an office before. So, its nice. But when you have to compare it to nicer offices, it kind of sucks. In any case, so far everyone seems nice and we talk a lot. So, its kind of fun. Also, since my judge is gone I haven't had to bailiff, ergo no uniform!

?

Have you ever gotten a call or a text message where the guy/girl calling had obviously gotten the wrong number, being that you nor anyone you know is named Tellulah, but they wont believe you?

When I first got a cell phone back in the day I woke up one lovely morning to, "Hey Babe!"

Who is this?

--Its me, Bobby!

Wrong Number.

THEN he calls back. Like I was teasing him or something. You try telling him, "I'm so not Tellulah, wrong number." But then he argues. Really, if she is pretending to be someone else just give it up!

Then just a few weeks ago I get a text message.

Hey, what's up.

--Nothing much, who is this?

Brenden.

--Doesn't sound familiar. I think you have the wrong number

[He tells me his last name.]

--Nope, don't know you, wrong number.

It's me, I sit next to you in Math Class.

--Um, pretty sure the last math class I had was in 2006 and I knew no one in it.

Silence.

Here's a tip. Don't argue with the person who says she doesn't know you. It would make us all feel better to just assume that you accidentally wrote the wrong number, or misheard the girl.

The Bar

What can I say, but that it is over!

Monday night as I was driving home from my sister’s and bringing my other brother and sister home, a car almost hit us head on (totally not my fault.) But thought it a bad thing when I thought, would it really be that bad?

Drove up Tuesday, almost got killed by a semi who thinks a blinker is to warn you that he’s coming over right that second regardless that he’ll cut you off. Then I sat in my car for a half hour trying to cram some buzzwords in my head because, even though people told me to calm down, I probably know more than I think-- I really didn’t.

Then we had to be checked in. We weren’t allowed to bring anything in but our ID, our computer and bag and blue or black pens. Some people actually made you pull out your pockets. My guy was just anal about my ID picture. Here is a picture of my ID: Bangs and hair down and straightened. Me on the day of the bar: bangs pulled back and hair in a ponytail. Your basic hot mess hag. He was like, where did your hair go? Oh, its back there. Where are your bangs? Uh, hairstyles change. And that photo was taken when I knew I would be photographed, not when I was worried about taking a test that would render my degree useless should I fail. He was also making sure my eyes were the right color. Dude, I am also not wearing makeup, the same shirt, and if you comment on my weight, so help me!...

I thought it a bad omen when I couldn’t find my seat. The morning of essays were: Trusts, Constitutional law, Family Law, and Secured Transactions, at least I wrote on those subjects. But, one day I was studying tax, because it was a folder in my defective bar study, and Nick said it wasn’t on the bar, so I should stop wasting my time. Well, as I was flipping through the essays in the morning I saw a question saying “Mr Tax and Mr Anti-Tax,” and I almost died. I wanted to stab Nick in the neck. But it ended up being about Constitutional law, so Nick lives to this day.

I wish I could have written more for those essays, but anything else I could write would be completely off topic. So, they were pretty short essays. And in secured transactions, I knew the parts of it, and who had rights over others, except I couldn’t tell you who was a Purchase Money Security Interest, so I just wrote down the order of preference and said that is how you figure out who wins…

At lunch we talked a little. Mark asked what we thought. I figured it was just 3.5 hours of my life that was wasted and would never get back. And, I approached the essays like I did the essay tests from law school. Which might have been a mistake seeing how well it worked out then!

Luckily, the afternoon was better. I was still freaked out. The topics were Contracts, Criminal Procedure, Ethics, Agency and Partnerships. So, three out of 4 weren’t bad. But at lunch I was so afraid I would get another topic I didn’t know. I was really hoping for Criminal Procedure. If I went to Police Academy for anything, it was to have Criminal Procedure committed to memory! I almost did a happy dance of joy. And by almost, I mean I kind of did in my seat. The boy next to me stared. Seriously, I would say a prayer all day, “Dear God, please let there be the subject I know on the bar. They are very limited…so if you could work it out…” What can I say, Thank the Lord!

Then the second day was all Multiple Choice over six topics. I felt it all a crap shoot. I also feel like law school was a crapshoot. But, I didn’t go back to check my answers, even when I finished 45 minutes early in the afternoon. I learned from experience, I always change it to the wrong answer. But, the ending was a little anticlimactic. I finished 45 minutes early, and they don’t let you out. So you sit there waiting. Then they have to collect everything, and apparently this year was the most applicants they’ve ever had.

Who knows how I did. I am planning a study group for February. But either way, it was the best feeling in the world to be done! It was like your birthday and Christmas wrapped in bacon and topped with a fudgsicle. I did a dance of joy that surpassed all others. The people around me were too drained to comprehend its awesomeness, but it was pure genius.

I look forward to the simple things in life. Like, not having nightmares, going to the grocery store, working out, doing my laundry, and many other things that you would feel guilty doing because it wasn’t bar study. Also, people can look forward to conversations with me where I don't say, "That's inadmissible," or "But for."

And remember, results aren’t supposed to come out for 8-10 weeks. Don’t ask, if I don’t tell. And if I fail, it was because you weren’t faithful enough. So really, I’d be feeling bad for YOU.

Living On A Prayer!

A prayer and a hope, and a dream!

So, I’ve fully embraced failing the bar, but I remembered how I got a miracle and passed my POST exam, so maybe there is still one miracle left this summer for me.

So, all those readers out there, all 5 of you, I need you to pray, and pray hard! Pray to whomever you think or want. Pray to Thor himself. Light a candle, send out good vibes, fast, fast for me until Wednesday if you desire. Wish on a star, this list is not exclusive.

And if I fail, just remember, it’s YOUR fault because you weren’t faithful enough.

PS. If I pass the bar, I will forgive the owner of my bar prep. But if not, I will curse his name to the sky. Here are favorite moments of studying with him.

1. When I heard an ambulance looked out the window, then realized it was coming from his lectures.
2. When I heard a train going by for 15 minutes-- also from his lectures.
3. Hearing car alarms going off
4. Hearing mumblings of conversations in the background
5. Listening to old school rock n’ roll in the background.
6. I swear, one time he was microwaving a burrito
7. Whenever he laughs and snorts at his own lame jokes
8. Every time he brings up that he has a copy of pocket Constitution signed by Warren Burger
9. TWO separate lectures when he would randomly say, “If you hear feed back PUSH *7!... *7!!)
10. Also, I find it curious how he says he always takes a bar exam each time it is given (weird masochistic behavior) but he NEVER says how many times he passes….

I swear he is Hugh Hefner-ing it up in his PJs sitting in his bed talking into a microphone all day. I feel like I will fail, and I paid him good money to do it. All whilst sitting in silk pjs. (and apparently enjoying a warm burrito--you are welcome).

PS, The results come out weeks later. And this will be a Don’t Ask- Don’t Tell situation. If I don’t mention that I passed, let’s just leave it alone. And THEN you can feel bad you weren’t faithful enough to let me pass.

The Irony

So, last blog before the bar, but I figured I would share this one last sad story.

This weekend I moved, which is poor timing, but it almost had to be done. Almost. In any case, I started freaking out last night when I looked at my room in complete disarray, thinking how was I supposed to study knowing that all my stuff was in random boxes and scattered on the floor? (I know, what is the difference between a moved in room and my room generally? Lets all move on). And I need to study. Well, in between lectures I took breaks to put stuff away.

In any case, my Mom is in town because my sister is having her baby soon, and she is going to help out while Ben studies for the bar! Our timing is impeccable. Although he had less control. In any case, tonight my mom came to visit and see the new place. When Meredith showed up she realized that it is not only the same complex, but the exact same building Ben lived in when they were dating. Meredith goes, "You would have been in the same ward!" To which I replied, "Yeah, had he stayed here (In Provo) and lived here, even after law school..." And then my words slowly sank in, and I was silent.

Graduate School Graduate

Provo

Single

To which Meredith said, "At least you are younger than Ben."

An Argument for Heels

While I was at the reference desk sorting thru papers I overheard a conversation between a guy and a girl working. She was saying how high heels are impractical for everyday use. I wasn't going to say anything, because to each their own...even if you are wrong. And then the guy mentioned that perhaps heels would one day go out of style, like the corset...

To which I made a noticeable face. So noticeable that the guy invited me to elaborate.

Uh, I've worked all day standing in heels, and yes, they hurt. Then I bought my first pair of flats to work in all day. They too hurt my feet, just at different spots. So, I figure, if your feet are going to hurt anyways, wear the pretty ones.

AND NEVER will heels go out of style. I'm sorry, I just don't see that ever happening. That's like saying, One day girls will stop complaining about their weight and think bald, short, fat men are attractive.

Just my opinion.

Update

July 4th, national holiday awesomeness. I spent the morning/early afternoon with my siblings at my sister's new place in Lehi. She had a pool, and thus we spent the majority of our time there. It was fun. The most hilarious part was when Charley refused to go in the pool, instead, choosing to recline on the pool chair with her hands behind her head, sunbathing. Eventually she did go in, but only once her Dora inner tube was brought over. SUCH a diva!

Then the early evening portion of the day was spent with Karlos and their friends. Which was pretty fun as well, minus the awkward marriage arrangment where to avoid questions I simply shoved food into my mouth.

From the pool, I was a little red, which pretty much went away by the morning. And for a day or two, I thought, I must be getting Michael Jackson disease, because I've only gotten 2 prior sunburns in my life, ergo my skin must be getting whiter with age. In fact, I only burned a little on my shoulders where my tan line from my old swimsuit was from last year. Fascinating stuff, I know.

Why do I tell you this? Because I am currently in the middle of a Property quiz for Bar Study, and it is my worst subject so far. In fact, its so bad I don't want to finish the quiz. Its just depressing. Ergo, I procrastinate with blogging. But now I must return. Ugh.

Motive

Tonight we played night games. One was "Body Body Body," also known as "Murder in the Dark."

Then I started thinking, was it murder if there was no mens rea? I guess its reckless endangerment of human life.

Then I realized I was a dork.

Should I Be Offended?

So, I go my brother's friend's wedding last night. Karly wanted someone to get lost with. But it was a tad awkward when we said hello to the couple and he looked at me like, "Who are you?" And then we had to explain.

Well, we had only had lunch, and we were starving, so I of course grab as much food as I can and pile it on my plate without looking like a Fatty McButterpants and sit down. Is it tacky to stand over the sausage heater plate thingy and eat? In any case, when we got back to Provo I felt the need to gym it up.

I head to the gym when the guy at the counter asks, "What are you doing here on a Friday night?" So I tell him, Just got back from a wedding, had too much cake. He said it was the best excuse he heard all night.

What I wanted to say was, I am here because I like it when people insinuate that I am a loser.

Yes, its the summer and a Friday night in Provo, so going to the gym means I don't have a date or friends. Leave me alone!

But really, the weekends are the best for they gym because there are less people so you don't have to wait for a machine or be next to anyone as you get sweaty and your face turns red. I quite like it that way!

I Never Liked Scales

I once heard that doctors are about the only people who have carte blanche to insult you. For example, "You should lose some weight," or, "That mole looks weird, you should have it checked out."

I mean, who else talks freely to women about their weight expecting not to get injured? (well, I can think of one idiot, but I digress)

Policemen.

On my first day of training the Sergeant had us get on this one scale and (he kindly deducted weight for clothing--I'm thinking of YOU doctor who ADDED weight!) then he told me the prognosis. He told me how much I weighed, exactly how many pounds of fat I was carting around, my BMI and, to make me feel more exposed, even could tell me that I was a little dehydrated, so I should drink more water. Frownsmile.

Well, the point was to see the progress we had from beginning to end. So the last day I was expecting to get weighed and told that all of the pain I was put through made a difference and I would feel better about myself. BUT THEY DIDN'T.

Not that I like being weighed. In fact, I can go years without stepping on a scale and feel good about it. But if you are going to weigh me in the first place, I'd like to make you show me something good.

Well, I've been thinking about this, so last night after the gym I decide to head up to Walmart and buy myself a scale. I lost some weight, but instead of telling me pounds of fat, it tells me a percentage, so I have to pull out a calculator. Apparently I didn't lose much fatage...but then in the morning I weighed myself again, and I lost a couple of pounds, increased my hydration, and went up a percent of fat? This is why I don't trust scales.

Knowing Words Is Cool

So, I know this girl. We used to be in the same ward. She never struck me as particularly gifted in the brain. But bless her heart anyways.

One time she called me and this other girl one boy's "harem" because we hung out with him a lot. I had to ask, did she know she just called us his prostitutes? Because that is basically what that was. "Whoops!" was all she said.

Well, we are mainly facebook friends, and recently I was invited to join her "I'm getting married" event. She entitled it, "A Night of Mayhem!"

Which is what I saw the very hour I learned that legally, "Mayhem" is when you disfigure/mutilate someone by cutting them on the face and what not.

Anyone want to go to that party with me?

Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

NAY.

Last weekend I bought my Bailiff clothes. They were hideous. I had three panick attacks. It was the worst shopping trip EVER. Ergo, I have decided not to post pictures of myself in them. I mean, I don't need them on the internet. No one needs to see this. I look like a gender confused boy.

The first attack was when I actually tried on the clothes. I thought I was prepared for it, but I was not. I had a near meltdown in the dressing room. Then I needed the pants hemmed, and the lady was like, do you need them tapered? NOOOO!!

So, I then got home and had to iron them, and that is when I looked at the tag to see what it was made out of. 70% Polyester! Panick attack 2.

Then I tried it all on. I think I actually wanted to cry.

The last week of POST wasn't so bad. We basically reviewed our defensive tactics, and my instructor that day was one we hadn't had since the first week. At the arm and leg strikes (which I stink at) he made a face. And he clarified it. It wasn't a "She hits like a girl" face, it was a "Thank God we live in America where Jordan will be generally safe enough that she'll never have to use this skill."

Then we spent an entire day getting certified for CPR. I kept wanting to watch the episode of The Office where they use the mannequins to get CPR certified. When he played Stayin' Alive to keep our chest compressions in rhythem, I wanted to sing, "First I was afraid, I was petrified..."

Well, Thursday we tested. On Monday, our workout was "light" so they made us run instead, and also took breaks to do airsquats and jumping jacks. I think I pulled a muscle doing that. Probably when I had to do jumping jacks on an slight slope. Either way, a regular workout never endangered my health.

So, I was excited for the test with a pulled muscle. We had to do a verticle jump of 17 inches, and I got that super easy. Then we had to do 29 push ups, and since I didn't want them to see me just stop after I got it done, I took it easy and got 33 in a minute. That is when the pulled muscle started to hurt again. Just in time to run the 300 meters! I did it with a second to spare. Although, I think I could have done it a little faster, but I got cut off. But whatever, I passed. Then, MIRACLE of all MIRACLES, I did the 21 push ups. The only thing that I was truly afraid I couldn't do. Small act of God. So, from that I was pumped to do the 1.5 mile run. Even though my leg was still tight. I still ran it in 13:39, which was my fasted time.

Then we had our Defensive Tactics test. We all passed that. And, the Sgt did express how much he loved us, or at least loved watching us, and hearing our noises. He was also glad that we weren't mixed in with the real cops training. Then, our last test was the legal written test, and if I didn't pass that one, I'd feel like an idiot. But I did! I'm officially passed and legal.

So, I graduated. Although, this was the worse I ever looked at graduation, even HS and probably smelled the worst as well. But I got a certificate! And I'm totally framing it and putting it next to my Law Diploma. Then, I celebrated with steak.

So Close

I had to run around last night to try to work out the kinks in my legs. However, as soon as I sat down for 2 minutes the stiffness came back. This morning we did our PT stuff again. It was 15 diamond push ups, 30 Burpees, and 60 sit ups, followed by an 800 meter run. Three times. Kirsten pointed out how there were no air squats, which I felt were awesome, especially since I couldn't move my legs, however, Burpees are worse. Because you squat down, then jump your feet back, do a push up--after already doing a diamond, then jump your feet back under you and jump up. At least this time I could actually jump my feet back and front instead of crawling like I did in Man Down.

I don't understand how working out you don't feel the previous soreness, and how running makes it better. In any case, its a tiny miracle. I will tell you this, wearing stilettos and walking up and down stairs after a crazy work out does not mix. And it was raining as we were going back and forth to lunch. I tried running. I almost fell over, mostly because I was laughing so hard at how ridiculous I looked.

In other news, Sergeant W is leaving us. I guess he has vacation starting next week, so that was our last workout with him. Its a little sad. I'll miss him. I think I'll even miss the workouts. Because while they are hard and they suck, they work. And you feel a cool sense of accomplishment when you finish, and finish before everyone else. I could do them on my own, but I probably wont--lets face it.

Official countdown: 4 days left of POST. So far, no one has said anything about graduation. I wonder if its because they assume we wont pass...

Most Awkward Day EVER

Oh Em Gee guys.

First off, I am super sore. I haven't felt this sore all over since the Man Down exercise. I don't know how tomorrow's PT is going to go.

Today we had 3 hours of Defensive Techniques. It was 3 hours of throwing each other all over the floor. Awesome. We reviewed pretty much everything. So, its already awkward searching each other because you have to search everywhere.

Today's new technique was getting out of headlocks, chokeholds front and back. The guy who sweats a lot, I was just hoping that when he put me in a chokehold that his arms were dry. But when we were put in a headlock, that is when it got SUPER awkward.

The move out is to "T" up with the person, stick your head in his GUT, (awkward, but wait for it) THEN we had to "distract" the person by hitting them in the CROTCH and REAR. Believe me, the LAST thing I EVER wanted to do is to come close to hitting or being anywhere near the general area of my classmate's nether regions. Then there were other moves to get out, and trust me, I was never so happy to get out of that situation in my entire life.

I think I might need some therapy.

5 days to go.

Title Here

Starting with this weekend: Boys after Ward Prayer wanted to see my cuffing skills, and then I used them to practice more defense techniques because we get tested soon. All went well, until I tried to push this guy, who was a bit bigger, and sorely injured my arm. Luckily on Monday we just had classroom work, so no need to use it. 

Today we had DT and PT.  We learned how to take down people trying to punch and/or roundhouse punch us.  It wasn't too bad, except one of the guys in our class is SUPER sweaty. I had to take him down and he was so sweaty I lost hold of his arm. It was gross. And, he's the only guy in the class, who is taller and bigger than me. We are supposed to go 25-30% but I swear he goes all out. So I was swung like a rag doll. At one point he accidentally kicked me in the head as I went down. And then I felt the pain in my shoulder.  

Then we did PT. The original workout was 25 push ups, 50 sit ups, 75 air squats, a broad jump to the curb then an 800 meter run, done 4 times. However, it was raining outside and we got soaked, so to make sure we didn't slip he told us that in lieu of the run, we should do 4 sets of stairs. Which, right after 75 air squats is a little extra difficult. PS, the stairs are 4 stories. It wasn't so bad. I'm getting used to the workouts. Not that I don't think I'll be in great pain tomorrow, but they don't surprise me anymore. 

Although, another class was in the workout room today cleaning it up around us as we did our workout, and at one point one was asking me a simple question like, "What set are you on?" I answered him, but I was in the middle of air squats and I about lost what number I was on, so I was like, "Don't talk to me, I lose count." Didn't mean to be so abrupt...I just didn't want to start over again!  

In other news, after the workout in the locker room we saw a woman from the other class and we asked her to be completely honest. Do the other classes make fun of us. And it just confirmed to us that, yes, we are laughed at. Maybe not all the time, but those amused smiles they give us are hiding laughter. 

Tender Mercies

Today was a good day. We were supposed to have 5 hours of class in the morning, and after lunch, another 5 hour class. But our instructor, knowing our queasiness in seeing murder victims, and realizing we didn't have the absolute need to go thru in detail how to preserve a crime scene or transport evidence, did the work of 10 hours in 3.  Then we did a mock murder scene in a dorm room, and were completely done at 10:30 in the morning. 

We had no idea what to do. So we went to an early lunch. Then we felt like this was a trick. Like they'd yell at us if we tried to leave. So we went to talk to the Sergeant and they said we were good to go! Although at first they did threaten us with PT for the afternoon. My biggest worry, besides the fact that my calves feel like they are going to fall off, is that my PT clothes haven't been washed since yesterday, and I didn't want to start off a workout smelling!

So, as we were leaving another cadet from another class walked out and mentioned how he completed the PT we did yesterday. Apparently, I was only 3 or so minutes behind him, so I didn't feel so bad! But I talked to Stacey, who has a neighbor who has a brother in POST, and apparently they know about us, and he smiled when he said it. Which kind of confirms to me that they are all laughing at us. 

In other good news: we are given a card with 6.50 on it for lunch everyday, and I had some money left over, so I decided to buy a Symphony chocolate bar. The lunch lady was like, "How do you do it? You eat this and you are still super skinny!" I love that woman. (Even though I accidentally told her one day that I didn't like french fries and now feel like I can't ever order them). 

In other news, I probably should buy my uniform this weekend. That is a little depressing. Look forward to pictures of me in it with a frownsmile.

Girly

Yesterday in DT we were reviewing all we've learned. Including, but not limited to pushing. I'm pretty sure I went further trying to push Kirsten than Kirsten went. I did a weird spasmic movement. I immediately turned to the instructor and said, "Sorry! That was girly!" He had a look on his face that was a mix between, "what was that!" and "I don't know what to do or where to go from there!"  So that was fun. I really didn't think that pushing would be my sore point.

Also, at lunch, a few people from other classes and other instructors came up to us to say hi, and ask how we've been doing. I know comparatively, we are not the strongest class. And everyone knows who we are, because we are the smallest class of 5, and you can hear our screams coming from the work out rooms.  I started to wonder what they say about us when we're not there. I'm sure they have fun. 

Today, we did PT.  Usually we've been having DT first, as kind of a buffer in the morning. But today it was first thing. Its hard. I have to wake up early, and I can't eat anything that early in the morning. I have to shove something in my mouth. And then I was worried, because they like to make you throw up in workouts, and I didn't want to give them an advantage by not having enough time to digest my food.  Basically all I got down was half a banana.  Then I walked into the room and saw the workout. It was the workout I was dreading all weekend. It was the 50-40-30-20-10 reps, and after each set we ran up 4 flights of stairs, first time we did one round, and after each rep we did one more. So by the last set of 10 we had to run up the stairs a grueling 5 times.  All in all, we did 150 air squats, push ups, and sit ups, and ran up and down the stairs 15 times.

I'll admit it. I cried. Well, I had to laugh. Because that is how I cope. Then I started crying. Not sobbing, but tears came out. And then the sergeants looked like they had no idea what to do with me. I compose myself and we start the workout, and miraculously, for the first time since the first workout, my quads feel good enough that I can do my 90 degree bend without searing pain. Then I keep my back straight during the push ups, and while they could be lower, I can do them. Push ups are never a problem. And I just wont let myself stop on the stairs. I finished first again, which I like. And they didn't complain about my form once. I had to tell the one sergeant, You just got to let me get my nerves out at the beginning. 

So, that was fun. We even got out of or day at 4.  So, all in all, not a bad day. I will say that I do provide some great moments at POST. They shall not soon forget me!

Working It

Today started out not good. I couldn't get to sleep, and then, since my internal clock is all off, I woke up at 3 am in fear that I missed my alarm. NOPE! And then I couldn't get back to sleep again. So I showed up to POST super excited for the day. 

Defensive Tactics (DT), was not my finest day.  Usually its fun and I get the moves pretty quickly. Today I was off. We learned how to hit from the hips today and pivot. I could move all right, but the force behind it was the wimpiest thing you've ever seen.  The visiting teacher there was well over 6 feet tall and well built. When he hit the mat, he moved the guy holding it. When I hit the mat he held, I'm pretty sure I moved back. After awhile he just started laughing when it was my turn. So that was fun, if not funny. And then we also learned how to push in case someone tries to get away from you doing a search. He pushed me and I went flying. I pushed him, and he stumbled a bit...occaisionally falling. I need practice. Seriously, who wants to help?

Then we had to go to the lockers to switch shoes and put our cuffs away and I had to hold myself together contemplating the work before me.  In PT I had heard we were supposed to do Airsquats, push ups, sit ups and running in reps of 50, 40, 30, 20, 10.  Which, I didn't think we had enough time to finish, nor the strength to do. I was happy to see the other Sergeant there, not the one from Thursday.  He is really helpful and super nice and I love him.  Then I noticed that our workout was modified. We did reps of 25, 4 times. He even cut it down from 8 times so that we could focus on our form and not get worn out and try to rush thru it. I love this Sergeant. He helps, and I think he just knows how to encourage different types of people, and by different, I mean not sit on your golden throne and yell at you. Instead, he does it with you, and basically is my hero. 

Also, he totally laughed and got the reference to "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!"  And he laughs in general, a little at me. I have a pain in my left quad that will not go away, so I wince and pseudo swear whenever we do airsquats or lunges.  So, he laughs.  But he also will always give me a stretch to do to try to work the kinks out. 

So, maybe it was the endorphins, but I was loving Sergeant W today. 

And then we spent the entire afternoon looking at uncensored crime scenes of gunshot victims. Whatever, I love Sergeant W!

Almost Menace to Society

Today in Relief Society the bishop came in to make an announcement. He spoke about how our old bishop was really into people getting engaged--which made me think he would back off of it. But no, he just wanted to announce that he needed to get more organized in that department and announced a marriage prep class for engaged or almost engaged people.  

His wife was teaching it, and I guess to try to make us that aren't close to being engaged feel better, she said, "Its ok, Bishop didn't get married til he was 25, so he knows it sometimes takes time."

I started to laugh a bit.  I have like, 3-4 months before I guess I should start feeling bad. 

I'm a Princess

After telling some friends about training--pretty much all I got going for me--and how they just want you to "Pony-up" during training, even if you are sick I remembered a gem.  

Kindergarten Cop

Where Arnold transforms a class of crazy 5 year olds into model citizens by making class a police academy.  One of my favorite parts was when this little girl wouldn't run to the mats.  He was telling her that policemen run, and she was like, 

"I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!"

I'm guessing the Sergeants wouldn't get the reference if I tried that on them...

"There's a thing called being too healthy... Bruce Lee died from it"

Baby Mamma

This is slowly becoming my POST blog, but I really got nothing else going on right now.

Anyways, yesterday I felt horrible, but I had to stay at work because 1) I was at work in South Jordan 2) We carpool 3) We use a county car to carpool 4) I didn't take the driving course to drive said county car.  So instead, I kept having to leave class.  After the fifth time the two teachers got me a dorm room and I laid down the entire afternoon. Those guys were awesome, even if one of them told me that I looked like crap.  

Anyways, this morning I'm feeling much better, and since I need to go to work, I do. But we have to be there at 6:30am, and we start with Defensive Tactics.  Usually I love this class, but ever since we were bow lining ourselves and literally throwing each other down, it wasn't the best day for me. So, it was fun, if you want me to take you down and cuff you, I can totally do it.

However, by the time for Physical Training came, I was feeling a little bad and was hoping they'd take it easy on me. I thought being almost the weekend we would have an easier workout, but once again I was wrong.  Today we did 50 Airsquats, 50 Push Ups, 50 Sit Ups, and ran a mile, done twice.  I told them I wasn't feeling good, and how I could only down half a banana for breakfast, but they said that if I felt sick to make sure to turn to the side to throw up. . .

Airsquats: dude, they are the worst and it always makes me the last one to move on.  Especially when they keep telling me to go lower, but I can't! I tried. Its like a knife thru my upper quad. Well, I do it.  Eventually I even catch up and I finish first again. I don't think that is bad considering.  

But, this new Sergeant guy, whom I don't like as much as the other one, got mad at us after the work out because our form was bad. Information that would have been helpful DURING the workout.  I guess my butt is so huge that I can't keep it off the ground during push ups.  I know I have child-bearing hips, I've learned to get over it, so should you!

So here I sit. And train. And do yoga poses to stretch out my quads. And watch disney movies. Jealous? 

Working Girl

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!

After a long weekend work started up again.  We started out the day with Defensive Techniques, where we took down felons and handcuffed them and searched them.  By them, I mean each other. Anyone want to help me practice? 

Then we went straight to our Physical Training.  I thought they'd go easy on us and maybe just do some weight lifting. Why? I don't know, I guess I am a fool.

This is what we did:

25 air squats

25 push ups

25 sit ups

Broad Jumps 

800 meter run

not so bad this time around? Do it 4 times. 

We were timed again, and when I saw the air squats up there, I thought, oh man! This is going to hurt. Then I saw we did it 4 times and I knew I was in trouble.  Well, Sergeant Watkins starts the timer and we all go down, but I squeal like a little girl. Well, more like a greased pig.  Then the Sergeant makes me his pet. Making me go down, saying it isn't that bad...but it was!  

I am behind again, but I soon catch up.  And after the second round I in the front.  I must admit, I do start to loosen up after awhile, because my quads are the one and only sore spot.  My last round Sergeant is there and he makes me go deeper.  I am supposed to get at least 90 degrees down on the air squats, but that isn't going so hot, so he makes me have my butt touch a bench before he'll count it. SO painful! And then at 25 he says to do one more! AH!  

But, I get done in about the same time I did dead man down drill.  I beat everyone, which is cool. But I'm still so sore in the quads that he has to show me some stretches, which end up being some yoga moves.  

Walking up and down the stairs and sitting up and down are still painful.  But the pain is no where near the pain of last Thursday.  We asked him when our legs will ever get to recover. He said July...

I'm actually enjoying my time at POST.  Either I am a masochist, or the endorphins have kicked in.  

PS, on my last run, I saw the Major, aka man whom I fell on twice.  Although I still looked a hot mess, I was at least the leader of the pack, which is better than jello legs girl who crushes you. I think that an improvement.

Confessions of a Sore-a-holic

I'm starting to think my entire weekend will be full of recovery.  I even tried to go buy my bailiff uniform, but then realized it required me bending and trying on clothes, and found it wasn't worth the trip. So, here I sit on my bed where I try not to move.  Here are about 20 confessions. Enjoy.

1. Went to school so I could use the handicapped bathroom

2. Silently swear every stair I go up

3. Stay in bed solely because I don't want to move

4. Wanted to call my home teachers to take my groceries in from my car (but I didn't)

5. Want to find out if I can get a temporary handicap sticker for my car.

6. Going to my sister's ward on Sunday because it doesn't involve walking up a hill or stairs.

7. Hide IB Proufen everywhere so its easily accessible.

8.  Secretly want to call my home teachers to carry me from car to apartment.

9. Took a shower and almost fell 5 times. 

10. Dropped razor in said shower and had to let it go

11. Take about 20 IB Profen a day, but figure that I have loads of siblings/cousins...one of them has to be a match for kidneys, right?  (or does it hurt the liver?...)

12. Can barely stand or walk without nearly falling. Not new, but now happens with greater frequency.

13. Took another shower, thinks geriatric bathtubs with seats and a door are a good idea.

14. Want to install hand bars everywhere I go.  

15. Wish that my bed weren't so high, or that I had a step stool to get on, then remember stairs hurt.

16. Have figured out a weird roll thing to get onto said bed.  

17. Watched too many episodes of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because it seemed a less painful alternative than getting off the couch.

18. Went to a party and played Pool so I could use the Cue Stick as a cane.

19. Take 20 minutes to get in and out of my car, and I'm not very lady-like about it.

20. Sometimes think I'm making too big a deal about this pain, then I move and get over it.

Now, I'm going to watch the episode of "The Office" where Michael injures his foot and falls off the toilet.  I feel a kinship with him, not because I have fallen off, but am preparing myself for the eventuality of it.

Dead Man Down

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I think I'm dying.

This morning was the first day of the job where we did our physical training where they truly try to kill us.  We got to the academy at 7 am and stretched, and then they told us all that we were going to do that day.  

100 air squats

30 push ups

30 box jumps

30 jumping lunges

30 sit ups

30 burpees

Broad jumps to the starting line

Then an 800 meter run

come back to pull an officer across the mats 

10 push ups

pull the officer back across the mats

final 10 push ups

It was death.

Its for super critical situations cops might get in, where you're so into the moment that you are super focused and have to rely on training while you get your partner out of a building or whatever after being shot. And the only safe way to recreate that moment is to kill you in a workout. Or something to that effect.  (Although, if in a courtroom someone went down and there were still bullets flying, I think I'd leave the man down...lets see how the rest of training goes). 

Anyways, at first I just count reps for another classmate, but then I go next.  Since I counted for Kirsten, I think once she's done she counts for me. Not so, she finishes by herself and the officers count for our next group.  Oh, and did I mention a Sergeant or a Lieutenant doesn't count for me, the Major. Yep, he practically runs the entire academy. All I can think of is, "crap!"  I ask him, "This isn't one of those things where if we don't do a perfect form it wont count will it?" Because then I'm sure the pushups especially will take 1/2 an hour before I get 30 perfect push ups. Thank goodness no.  So, I do 100 airsquats and then I'm dead. I start the push ups.  He sees how long the first group is taking so he says we can do modified or "girl" pushups, but I want to do it right the entire way so I start out doing them the man way, and then he tells me the last 4 should be modified.  Then the box jumps, which are actually the mats piled up so that we don't skin ourselves.  

Ok, the airsquats are fine in moderation, but 100 times in succession are apparently my downfall. I seem to have the weakest thighs.  My first attempt to bend at the knee in preparation of a jump nearly made me fall to the ground.  So I gather the strength and I can't quite jump to the top. I kind of kick it though.  But no one is looking, so whatever.  Then I try again, same result.  THEN, I try again, (with several minutes in between) and I fall flat on my bottom.  Awesome.  So, of course the Major runs over to see how I'm doing, and I tell him, my spirit is willing but my quads are jello.  The mere thought of bending makes me fall.  So, he tells me to step up instead of jump.  As I bend my knee to step down, I fall, or would if I hadn't fallen onto the Major and he caught me.  And then it happens again. So then he takes about 2 mats off. I'm still not super steady, but at least I'm upright.  

Finally, the jump lunges. But at this point pretty much everyone has been reduced to regular lunges.  Then sit ups, which I can do fine.  No legs required.  Then Burpees. For those not privileged enough to know what burpees are, they are a squat down, jump your feet back so you can do a push up, jump your feet to your hands again and jump up, repeat.  Sufficed to say, if I couldn't jump normally, this wasn't working, so it was more of a crawl down, push up, crawl up, and raise my hands in the air. I think I lost count, so I rounded up.  Then Broad jumps.  And by now you must know they were inch forward jumps, then I said, Screw it, and just tried to start running the 800 meter run. Or supposed run.  My lungs were willing, but I couldn't bend my legs without them going weak.  The airsquats totally ruined me.  And I tried running, but words cannot even say how I looked and felt running the way I was. So I just speed walked. Which actually works better because it kind of locks your knees so there is less danger of falling. When I saw an officer I tried running, but if you are in town I'll demonstrate and you can get a good laugh.

Well, then back inside I pulled a grown man across mats did the push ups and pulled him back and did 10 more push ups.  It was ridiculous.  After I sat to stretch my quads and usually you feel a stretch or something. NOTHING. I felt nothing. Like I was paralyzed. Like Ricky Bobby, I'm sure you could stab me in the leg and I would feel nothing.  In my head, and even maybe out loud I told my legs, "you work for me!" Do what I say!

We are probably in the worst shape this academy has ever seen. I'm sure they laugh.  They kind of did it to our faces while we were there.  It kind of reminded me of the High School Track and Field meet.  The first one was always relays, and since we were field, they even made us do a 4x100 relay...with softballs.  It was the weight man's relay, and I'm pretty sure it was solely for the entertainment value of the slowest people on the team running with softballs instead of batons. Did I mention that the Major who kept following me did it in 14 minutes. I did it in 14 minutes add 20.  

Walking up the stairs afterwards, the other cadets gave us weird looks. Probably because we were grabbing onto the railing and holding onto it for dear life.  I'm sure if we had a camera and took video of us doing the Dead Man Down, or pretty much of us walking the rest of the day, we'd be youtube sensations.  Walking up the stairs I thought, "YOU are my EVEREST!"

Then going down the stairs for lunch, we all sounded like how we yelled during defensive techniques when they twisted our arms in "discomfort."  Only in the stairwell it echoed.  The first time I used the restroom, painful!  The rest of the day I used the handicapped stalls so I could use the rail.  TMI? Whatever. I have no pride now.

During the day between classes when we'd get up, or try to walk we would joke. Like, race each other down the hall and see who could stay upright.  It looked like if someone tried to pull us over for a DUI we couldn't even walk a straight line.  How hilarious would it be if that happened for reals, we could try to run away! Imagine the goofiest run, and me getting pulled over and asked to walk straight. Then think of me saying, try to get me now coppers! as I ran, and most likely fell.  Its hilarious in my mind. 

Well, its night now.  And not only can I not walk without a drunken swagger, the soreness has spread to my back and rear.  Walking to get my mail was fun. Each step, each curb to get up, each stair to climb, I felt like what a serious trauma recovery patient must feel like when they are relearning how to walk.  

And they told us to look forward to this severe pain for at least two days. If I can't walk tomorrow I might not go to church. I guess we'll need a miracle.

The Job

I started my job this week.  Its really the training part, but I get paid, so it counts.  Its a little different than I expected.  For example, I thought it would be 50 percent boot camp, and 50 percent classes, and I was really wondering what they would think up for 5 hours a day. But we only get physical 2 times a week for an hour or two, not counting Defensive Techniques where you are constantly grabbing/being grabbed.  

My days are technically 13 hours, because driving up there takes time (to South Jordan) then 10 hour days, plus an hour lunch).   I spend the bulk of it in class--and its not bar prep!  Well, some of it is review, so that works out...

But today we went to Defensive Techniques class, which is pretty much the coolest class ever. Basically we learn ways to hurt people and disarm them and practice on each other.  We are learning the difference between "pain" and "discomfort."  

Today, I get to class and we have to wear wrestling shoes on the mats, and I put them on for the first time. This was a mistake because apparently the store literally gave me two left feet.  I put one shoe on, then went for the other, when I realized it was a left foot.  I thought, "hey, what am I? Five? I can't put my shoe on the right foot."  Then I inspect, ah, 2 lefties.  Awesome.  So, I wear two left shoes because what else am I supposed to do? I have to wear the shoes.  Fortunately for me, the pain from twisting my arm around distracts me from the pain in my foot!  It was a pretty awesome class, despite the pain, or rather, "discomfort."  

This discomfort was at first bearable, but after nearly constant practice for an hour and a half, it started to wear you down. So, when we got to a certain move which causes the most pain, and after the officer and the girl both did it to my one arm about 10 times, I was on the ground literally kicking and screaming in pain.  And laughing.  Apparently I need to stop laughing because some officers will think I'm not taking it seriously and yell at me.  I shall try, but its either going to be laughing or crying...you pick. 

However, I still have a dull discomfort in my arms.  And now I keep wanting to show off my cool new moves on people. I really should stop volunteering people.  Especially the one where I make them lay flat on the ground and grind their shoulder.  (I am really good at that one! Sergeant was impressed!) I should really warn people after they give me the pepper spray.  

What are you...an immigrant?

So, the other night a guy came by the apartment and for some reason he wanted to talk to me, so I got out of my bedroom to say hello.  He asked me some normal questions, like, what are you majoring in, what do you want to do, what do you do, etc. So I told him, that I graduated from law school, one day I'd like to be a judge, and right now I'm studying for the bar/boot camp for my job as a Law Clerk/ Bailiff.  

1) Judge: So, he asks, you would be the final say in a trial? 

No, it depends on what court you were in, if it were a jury trial, etc, etc, a quick lesson on the court system (really fascinating conversation I know!) And that really, the only court that doesn't get overturned is the Supreme Court (unless they do it themselves...)  

2) So he asked about that, "What is a Bailiff?"  So I told him, that it was like the police of the court. You swear people in, take care of the jury, take a bullet for the judge... Then he asked, so, what does the clerk do? Take money? 

uh, NO.  They do the legal research for the judge. The actual law school side of the job...

3) Then he said, so you majored in law?  You have a bachelors in Law?  

No, I have a Juris Doctor.  

what? 

A Juris Doctor.  Like, I got a degree, then I went to graduate school--law school--for three years and got a doctoral degree.  (What, did he think I was some paralegal?)

Well, at that point when he realized I went to law school and was taking the bar...etc, I was thinking that maybe he was confused, that maybe he wasn't a citizen and was not versed in the American system, so I asked,

"Are you from Canada or something?"

The rest of the night went like this.

Boy: No. Why, does everyone already know this information?

Me: Uh...Well, I'm tired, good night. Nice to meet you....(quick getaway)

So, downside: he thinks I got my degree from the University of Pheonix or something and I'm a legal secretary.

Plus side: He didn't say a thing about how I only got into law school because I was a minority and a woman.

Officially Sane

For my job I had to get a psych test done.  It was literally four hours long. It had nearly 800 questions. Some were normal, like, "I feel fine today," or "My life is generally good," or "I love my mom/dad."  However, there were some great ones like, "someone is trying to poison me right now," "Sometimes I wake up evil," or "Voices are telling me to hurt people."  

Even if the latter were true, you'd have to be crazy to answer them correctly!  Well, about a week and a half later on Friday I talked to the shrink about my results.  Most were normal questions, and then he asked me about the quiz.  He asked, "You said 'sometimes I dread getting up in the morning,' explain that for me please."  

Uh, its just that I'm a night person and not a morning person.  I like to hit the snooze button...uh,...I'm not depressed or anything..."

I guess DREAD was too strong a word...!

Either way, I passed. A certified doctor said it, so its official.  Put your doubts away.