Oh No He Didn't!

Remember how long ago I told you the story of a man type person who, after finding out I went to BYU Law school in Utah said, Oh, yeah, I went to school in Utah too, the Utah School of Massage Therapy. And I was like, oh no. Those are not, and will never be on the same level. My place requires brains, yours requires hands.

Well, I recently ran into another person much like that, although, I don't call him a man, I call him a D-bag. Well, for purposes of this blog that is what I call him. "Oh, I have legal knowledge too! I took a 5 hour seminar on a tiny point of law. This makes my knowledge equal to that of your Juris Doctorate."

I'm quite certain you had to get up early one Saturday morning to attend. I'm sure it cost you a whole 20 bucks to sign up. I'm sure it lasted a whole of 5 hours. I'm sure they gave you a certificate. And I'm sure you are really proud of it. Perhaps you framed it, or put it on your refrigerator. But in no uncertain terms does that make you in any way shape or form a reliable source on the law. I took an accounting class in undergrad. I think that makes me more qualified to be your accountant than for you to imply you know more about the law than me. And let me tell you, if I am doing your taxes, you are in bad shape.

I have made some good friends in law enforcement. I'm not in any way saying that I can use this friendship like the Mafia and send down my wrath upon said D-bag through the police, but they are good people. And one jokingly gave me advice. I'm not publishing it, even if only 5 people read this, but it made me smile when all I wanted to do was rage. That being said, my last day is tomorrow. I'll miss them!

Chillax

As my 5 readers might know, I am moving. This includes selling my furniture, and I'm doing it the 21st century way--online classifieds. Well, one item is a very cheap dresser I myself bought fairly cheap. So, cheap furniture in college heavy town = eager buyers. Well, the first person to contact me I let get first pick. I wait. They don't come, so I let them and a few others who had called on it know that the first person to respond and bring money can have it.

The first person then promptly contacts me and lets me know they are coming, just running late. Then 2nd lady calls and is ready to pick it up, but I have to let her know that it is off the market. She in turn gets really upset, calling me a liar, and wasn't she second in line, how could I sell it to someone else? This shows how much integrity I have, and this was for her baby, so THANKS!

I simply respond saying the first person got it. Dear 2nd lady, aka crankypants. Do you realize this is just a cheap piece of furniture and not the last flight out of Nam? I am SO not giving you my address now.

New Nephew!

My oldest sister had her first baby. Ryan James Jr. He was a pretty big baby! 9lbs and 21 inches.

My sister and her girls and I went down to Phoenix to see him. Well, my mom and dad and little brother and sister were there too. We weren't sure we should go when the house would be full, but my dad was not so subtle in letting us know he'd really like as many grandkids to be down there. It was fun.

My dad said he had a special bond with baby RyRy. I think it was baby's special ability to burp, pee, poop and fart. Poor Ruben, I think I only saw him hold baby once. But, my dad loves his grandkids. At one point he was sitting there with no grandkid, and he said, "What is wrong with this picture?"

PS. Phoenix is HOT. Like, wont even cool off at night hot! So, this year I went to Omaha for a blizzard and Phoenix for a heat wave (or what felt like one).

BEST diet EVER!

There was a lady at work singing the praises of the new hCG diet. She said it was the first diet that worked for her. Yada yada yada. Then she explained what it is.

It is a pregnancy hormone that does something or other. You take it for 3 weeks at a time, and then you have to take another 3 weeks off if you want to use it again. But you can lose 1-2 pounds a day. AND its only $70 she said. Which, she informed us, is about what she spends on junk food and cookies. (I'm starting to wonder why she can't lose weight).

THEN she says that there is a pretty strict diet. You can only eat 500 calories at most a day. AT MOST. I call that starvation, not a diet.

In any case, I looked up the diet. Not because I want to starve myself--because I can do that for free if I wanted--but because I was bored. And then I went thru the before and after pictures. "Real" people sent them in. Some of them just showed obese people next to slightly less obese people. Nothing dramatic. Then I found this gem.

"I lost 20 lbs, AND my man parts!"

I think this guy lost a little more than he bargained for.

Job Security

As I was sitting in court the other day we had a Prison transport officer in. We rarely see them, because once you're in prison, you generally are just there. There is rarely a reason to come to court. In any case, he was there. And as the Judge was sentencing a man to prison, the TO told me he enjoyed it, because it was job security for him.

I told him that working at the Prison, I doubt he needed to worry about job security. Then another thought popped into my brain. "You must really enjoy watching the news every night."

Yes, yes he did.

The Fourth

For the Pre-Day of Independence I went to my sister and brother-in-law's place to watch the fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. My little niece Gabby LOVED the fireworks and would clap and stretch her hands out like she wanted to grab the explosions. She would also make little squeals of joy. I tried to tell my friends what she looked like, but had to remind myself not to act it out, because little girl squealing equals cute. Grown-up girl squealing equals creepy.

For the actual holiday I went to a friend's place for a BBQ. We saw her wedding photos, and I think her photographer hated me. The few pictures of me at her reception, one was a close up of my face, obviously in the middle of telling an animated story, mid word. Then, in line to talk to the happy couple, I somehow was standing all knobby-knee'd. I don't even know how I was standing like that.

So, for a special treat, I did both pictures at once. I look like the witch from Snow White, and like I have to pee. Its a marvel to behold.