True Story

It is no surprise that some of the most ridiculous people come to court. Here are fun examples.

One woman wrote a letter to the Court when her son was about to be sentenced for some crimes, I'm sure you could imagine what crimes by the contents.

It went something like this: He has done some very wrong things and does indeed need to be punished. Could he get some treatment while in jail? Also, as part of his release later on, could he agree to be voluntarily castrated?

Next, there is a woman with 3 separate lawsuits going on at the same time. Why? Because she is crazy, litigious, and has an incompetent attorney.

One lawsuit is a malpractice claim against her first attorney because within the space of the 2 weeks he wasn't able to get her kids back.

She said--in open court--that because of him, she suffered worse than any Jew did during WWII.

This is a woman who still gets visitation of her children, who lives in one of the richest neighborhoods, and gets 5k a month in alimony. Truly, she has suffered. A fellow bailiff dared me to pin a star of David on her. I thought perhaps shaving her head would be a better option.

PS. someone mentioned that she looked like the lady on the cover of The Witches. I tend to agree. Only she has the added benefit of a Bump-It-type Utah hairdo.

Highlights

I'm afeared of the Swine Flu. Today in court people kept coughing and sneezing and touching things. I'm becoming very germophobic.

So, as court is wrapping up and I'm cleaning up the mess, one of the attorneys is there, and he is an older man. Lets give him the age of 60. He comes up to me and starts out with this sentence, "I don't mean to be chauvinistic, but--"

Which, tells me something awesome is about to happen.

Then he goes on to say, "When did they get such attractive Sheriffs? I committed 4 felonies today, put me in handcuffs and arrest me!"

Gross old man. Gross. You could be my grandpa. I don't know about my handcuffs, but if I had my baton, I just might use it right now!

Dear Diary,

I think I am suffering from a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not sure what I thought they were doing yesterday, but I'm fairly certain it included a Rambo-like/Scorched Earth Theory of Warfare. I figured they'd come into my courtroom with guns blazing. And then last night I was up with dreams about actual men bursting into my courtroom, and even though I hid from them behind the clerk's bullet-proof desk, they still came after me. This is what my job does to me.

I was afraid to go to my courtroom today after my dream. But then I remembered I had a jury trial today. It was then that my fear of looking like an idiot in front of a group overcame my fear of death by firing squad.

Oh, a jury trial. I was afeared of it. But it wasn't too bad. I had already set things up on Friday, and I was actually a little early for work. BIG surprise. It was a criminal case. It went pretty fast. The trial was supposed to go two days, but ended up being only today. Well, it was a long day. The jury started to deliberate at 4:30 so I had to order food--which means I got some too. This is good news. I bought food for the jury to last 2 days and we were only there for one. Hence, leftovers!

Neither A nor B

Today was the Funtivities Day. We started in Spanish Fork Courtroom learning how to clear rooms and look out for crazies with guns. My job was basically to be a lookout. While they were searching in the rooms, I had to be sure no one came out down the hall. At one point someone walked out across the hall and I yelled, "GUN?!" and pranced away to the nearest cover. Then the officers ran after him. My friend laughed at me because I said it as a question. But really, I didn't see a gun, I just saw a person, and I panicked. He DID have a gun. But this could really be bad in an actual situation if I yell GUN and there isn't one. And this is just with AirSoft guns. Imagine me in a real situation. Um, I would pick someone else.

Then I watched others as they trained in the ground wrestling/Jujitsu stuff. It was optional, so I didn't do it. I've had enough old smelly, sweaty men on top of me. No more! Then we had lunch.

After lunch we went to our courthouse to do courtroom situations. When we weren't doing real life situations, we were in a courtroom watching real live situations where the Sh*t hit the fan in the courtroom. I was only in there for about 10 minutes. I was the first to be called out. And I sat in my courtroom for a bit. Nothing happened, so I went to my office to listen to messages and what not. Then I heard something crazy go down, so I locked my door, turned off the computer and light, and crawled under my desk.

Then I texted a friend who said we should be in our courtroom, so courtroom I went. There was an inmate and a transport officer sitting there. Then some crazy guy walked in talking about rocks. Then I hear ruckus behind me in the holding cell area, so I call downstairs to report when I find out there is supposed to be a hostage situation. As I'm on the phone people walk in with guns pointing! So, I am still on the phone and you bet I'm crawling under the clerk's desk! (bullet proof)

I don't know what went on, besides some yelling and guns pointing. I wasn't sure if the people with guns were Police men or the people taking us hostage. Alls I knew was that I wasn't going to make any noise and I was hiding. And this is me when the worst that could happen was getting shot with AIR SHOT guns!

I hid under two desks, and I am unashamed. I am not paid enough to be put in imminent danger. I'm also not paid enough to be put in pain, even if it is air soft. There are supposed to be 2 kinds of reactions to crazy situations. Fight or Flee. I realize that I do neither. I hide. And I hide good! And now, I look for the best hiding places.

I can say that I really appreciate those who are daring enough to go after people with guns. Good for them. They are sometimes stupid/crazy, but I'm glad they are willing to do what I clearly will not.

History

So, I've mentioned before, that the courts are closed tomorrow due to Columbus/Indigenous Day, but as I am employed by the county, and the county doesn't get tomorrow off, we have funtivities day. And part of that fun was supposed to be shooting guns.

I have since learned that guns have been cancelled, and perhaps in its place, courtroom security classes. They include someone pretending to be a disgruntled civilian with a gun and I have to shoot him as a bailiff. Which could be fun, if we didn't also have to pretend to be the civilian. So basically, I have to get shot at. Which, once again is totally unreal.

We don't get guns. Ergo, should one get smuggled in, I'm just dropping behind the Clerk's bullet proof desk and pushing the panic button. I am not a hero.

So, tomorrow looks to be a fantastic day... I have to go into work, and then convince the Police men that I don't want to wrestle on the ground with old men anymore. And then I have to convince them that being shot at--pretend or not--is NOT something I want to do as well.

Its Indigenous Day! If they make me work I should be getting time and a half!

Once again, the Native gets the shaft.

Positive Crap!

Here are some awesome things going on.

Today was one of the first days in a long time I wasn't in court for the entire day. Back to court I go tomorrow, so it didn't last, but it was fun while it lasted. I am finally getting files off my desk! You can almost see it. And then before lunch the judge asked me to find a case en point for what he wanted to rule on. And I had to basically skim through fifty cases, but I found one that said what he wanted, and was after the year 1954, and sent it to him. And then he came by my office to say that it was absolutely perfect, how did I find it, and I’m going to make him look like a genius. So that was fun. I fooled another again!

This morning I wanted to turn youtube on so that I could listen to some music as I worked, but like they did with facebook, walmart, and a few other websites, it was now blocked! But then Kiersty tried facebook again, and it was so on! So, Debi was confused when she saw my body whiz past her office so I could log onto facebook. I’m a dork. Whatever, live with it!

Ever since the summer I pretty much stopped working out. And I had actually learned to enjoy it. But laziness is so much easier. However, I feel myself getting fatter. So, when two bailiffs suggested we do a Biggest Loser Bailiff edition I felt good about it. So, hopefully this will be my inspiration to finally get down to that driver’s license weight. But this also means Lent comes early as I need to give up Cupcakes, and pretty much every good food out there. Pain Train here I come.

And, the coolest of all, is our Funtivities day. I had mentioned before that Columbus

Day/Indigenous Day, is a state holiday, so the courts are out, but our county bailiff jobs don’t get that day off, so they had to make up activities for us to do. They wanted us to do ground fighting, but I’m so over having to fight old sweaty men. So, they said we didn't have to do that. Then they said we could go to the shooting range instead. I’ll finally be able to shoot GUNS!

That is pretty awesome. So, maybe the other news wasn't as cool, but shooting makes up for it!

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Being in court all day on a bench trial, with witnesses up the wazoo (legal technical term) and a nearly incompetent attorney equals headache. It also makes me realize that the ability to distinguish between WHEN and WHERE is a lost art. Or nearly there.

For example:

Q: When did you last see Billy?

A: In the mall.

(Sound of Judge's exasperated sigh, and banging of head against desk)

I swear I learned the difference between the who, what, where, when, why, and how while attending Field Club Elementary. Readers, be forewarned. Should you enter my courtroom and make that mistake, there will be laughter and jeers til my throat is sore! And then I will put you in handcuffs just for fun.