Almost Menace to Society

Today in Relief Society the bishop came in to make an announcement. He spoke about how our old bishop was really into people getting engaged--which made me think he would back off of it. But no, he just wanted to announce that he needed to get more organized in that department and announced a marriage prep class for engaged or almost engaged people.  

His wife was teaching it, and I guess to try to make us that aren't close to being engaged feel better, she said, "Its ok, Bishop didn't get married til he was 25, so he knows it sometimes takes time."

I started to laugh a bit.  I have like, 3-4 months before I guess I should start feeling bad. 

I'm a Princess

After telling some friends about training--pretty much all I got going for me--and how they just want you to "Pony-up" during training, even if you are sick I remembered a gem.  

Kindergarten Cop

Where Arnold transforms a class of crazy 5 year olds into model citizens by making class a police academy.  One of my favorite parts was when this little girl wouldn't run to the mats.  He was telling her that policemen run, and she was like, 

"I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!"

I'm guessing the Sergeants wouldn't get the reference if I tried that on them...

"There's a thing called being too healthy... Bruce Lee died from it"

Baby Mamma

This is slowly becoming my POST blog, but I really got nothing else going on right now.

Anyways, yesterday I felt horrible, but I had to stay at work because 1) I was at work in South Jordan 2) We carpool 3) We use a county car to carpool 4) I didn't take the driving course to drive said county car.  So instead, I kept having to leave class.  After the fifth time the two teachers got me a dorm room and I laid down the entire afternoon. Those guys were awesome, even if one of them told me that I looked like crap.  

Anyways, this morning I'm feeling much better, and since I need to go to work, I do. But we have to be there at 6:30am, and we start with Defensive Tactics.  Usually I love this class, but ever since we were bow lining ourselves and literally throwing each other down, it wasn't the best day for me. So, it was fun, if you want me to take you down and cuff you, I can totally do it.

However, by the time for Physical Training came, I was feeling a little bad and was hoping they'd take it easy on me. I thought being almost the weekend we would have an easier workout, but once again I was wrong.  Today we did 50 Airsquats, 50 Push Ups, 50 Sit Ups, and ran a mile, done twice.  I told them I wasn't feeling good, and how I could only down half a banana for breakfast, but they said that if I felt sick to make sure to turn to the side to throw up. . .

Airsquats: dude, they are the worst and it always makes me the last one to move on.  Especially when they keep telling me to go lower, but I can't! I tried. Its like a knife thru my upper quad. Well, I do it.  Eventually I even catch up and I finish first again. I don't think that is bad considering.  

But, this new Sergeant guy, whom I don't like as much as the other one, got mad at us after the work out because our form was bad. Information that would have been helpful DURING the workout.  I guess my butt is so huge that I can't keep it off the ground during push ups.  I know I have child-bearing hips, I've learned to get over it, so should you!

So here I sit. And train. And do yoga poses to stretch out my quads. And watch disney movies. Jealous? 

Working Girl

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!

After a long weekend work started up again.  We started out the day with Defensive Techniques, where we took down felons and handcuffed them and searched them.  By them, I mean each other. Anyone want to help me practice? 

Then we went straight to our Physical Training.  I thought they'd go easy on us and maybe just do some weight lifting. Why? I don't know, I guess I am a fool.

This is what we did:

25 air squats

25 push ups

25 sit ups

Broad Jumps 

800 meter run

not so bad this time around? Do it 4 times. 

We were timed again, and when I saw the air squats up there, I thought, oh man! This is going to hurt. Then I saw we did it 4 times and I knew I was in trouble.  Well, Sergeant Watkins starts the timer and we all go down, but I squeal like a little girl. Well, more like a greased pig.  Then the Sergeant makes me his pet. Making me go down, saying it isn't that bad...but it was!  

I am behind again, but I soon catch up.  And after the second round I in the front.  I must admit, I do start to loosen up after awhile, because my quads are the one and only sore spot.  My last round Sergeant is there and he makes me go deeper.  I am supposed to get at least 90 degrees down on the air squats, but that isn't going so hot, so he makes me have my butt touch a bench before he'll count it. SO painful! And then at 25 he says to do one more! AH!  

But, I get done in about the same time I did dead man down drill.  I beat everyone, which is cool. But I'm still so sore in the quads that he has to show me some stretches, which end up being some yoga moves.  

Walking up and down the stairs and sitting up and down are still painful.  But the pain is no where near the pain of last Thursday.  We asked him when our legs will ever get to recover. He said July...

I'm actually enjoying my time at POST.  Either I am a masochist, or the endorphins have kicked in.  

PS, on my last run, I saw the Major, aka man whom I fell on twice.  Although I still looked a hot mess, I was at least the leader of the pack, which is better than jello legs girl who crushes you. I think that an improvement.

Confessions of a Sore-a-holic

I'm starting to think my entire weekend will be full of recovery.  I even tried to go buy my bailiff uniform, but then realized it required me bending and trying on clothes, and found it wasn't worth the trip. So, here I sit on my bed where I try not to move.  Here are about 20 confessions. Enjoy.

1. Went to school so I could use the handicapped bathroom

2. Silently swear every stair I go up

3. Stay in bed solely because I don't want to move

4. Wanted to call my home teachers to take my groceries in from my car (but I didn't)

5. Want to find out if I can get a temporary handicap sticker for my car.

6. Going to my sister's ward on Sunday because it doesn't involve walking up a hill or stairs.

7. Hide IB Proufen everywhere so its easily accessible.

8.  Secretly want to call my home teachers to carry me from car to apartment.

9. Took a shower and almost fell 5 times. 

10. Dropped razor in said shower and had to let it go

11. Take about 20 IB Profen a day, but figure that I have loads of siblings/cousins...one of them has to be a match for kidneys, right?  (or does it hurt the liver?...)

12. Can barely stand or walk without nearly falling. Not new, but now happens with greater frequency.

13. Took another shower, thinks geriatric bathtubs with seats and a door are a good idea.

14. Want to install hand bars everywhere I go.  

15. Wish that my bed weren't so high, or that I had a step stool to get on, then remember stairs hurt.

16. Have figured out a weird roll thing to get onto said bed.  

17. Watched too many episodes of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because it seemed a less painful alternative than getting off the couch.

18. Went to a party and played Pool so I could use the Cue Stick as a cane.

19. Take 20 minutes to get in and out of my car, and I'm not very lady-like about it.

20. Sometimes think I'm making too big a deal about this pain, then I move and get over it.

Now, I'm going to watch the episode of "The Office" where Michael injures his foot and falls off the toilet.  I feel a kinship with him, not because I have fallen off, but am preparing myself for the eventuality of it.

Dead Man Down

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I think I'm dying.

This morning was the first day of the job where we did our physical training where they truly try to kill us.  We got to the academy at 7 am and stretched, and then they told us all that we were going to do that day.  

100 air squats

30 push ups

30 box jumps

30 jumping lunges

30 sit ups

30 burpees

Broad jumps to the starting line

Then an 800 meter run

come back to pull an officer across the mats 

10 push ups

pull the officer back across the mats

final 10 push ups

It was death.

Its for super critical situations cops might get in, where you're so into the moment that you are super focused and have to rely on training while you get your partner out of a building or whatever after being shot. And the only safe way to recreate that moment is to kill you in a workout. Or something to that effect.  (Although, if in a courtroom someone went down and there were still bullets flying, I think I'd leave the man down...lets see how the rest of training goes). 

Anyways, at first I just count reps for another classmate, but then I go next.  Since I counted for Kirsten, I think once she's done she counts for me. Not so, she finishes by herself and the officers count for our next group.  Oh, and did I mention a Sergeant or a Lieutenant doesn't count for me, the Major. Yep, he practically runs the entire academy. All I can think of is, "crap!"  I ask him, "This isn't one of those things where if we don't do a perfect form it wont count will it?" Because then I'm sure the pushups especially will take 1/2 an hour before I get 30 perfect push ups. Thank goodness no.  So, I do 100 airsquats and then I'm dead. I start the push ups.  He sees how long the first group is taking so he says we can do modified or "girl" pushups, but I want to do it right the entire way so I start out doing them the man way, and then he tells me the last 4 should be modified.  Then the box jumps, which are actually the mats piled up so that we don't skin ourselves.  

Ok, the airsquats are fine in moderation, but 100 times in succession are apparently my downfall. I seem to have the weakest thighs.  My first attempt to bend at the knee in preparation of a jump nearly made me fall to the ground.  So I gather the strength and I can't quite jump to the top. I kind of kick it though.  But no one is looking, so whatever.  Then I try again, same result.  THEN, I try again, (with several minutes in between) and I fall flat on my bottom.  Awesome.  So, of course the Major runs over to see how I'm doing, and I tell him, my spirit is willing but my quads are jello.  The mere thought of bending makes me fall.  So, he tells me to step up instead of jump.  As I bend my knee to step down, I fall, or would if I hadn't fallen onto the Major and he caught me.  And then it happens again. So then he takes about 2 mats off. I'm still not super steady, but at least I'm upright.  

Finally, the jump lunges. But at this point pretty much everyone has been reduced to regular lunges.  Then sit ups, which I can do fine.  No legs required.  Then Burpees. For those not privileged enough to know what burpees are, they are a squat down, jump your feet back so you can do a push up, jump your feet to your hands again and jump up, repeat.  Sufficed to say, if I couldn't jump normally, this wasn't working, so it was more of a crawl down, push up, crawl up, and raise my hands in the air. I think I lost count, so I rounded up.  Then Broad jumps.  And by now you must know they were inch forward jumps, then I said, Screw it, and just tried to start running the 800 meter run. Or supposed run.  My lungs were willing, but I couldn't bend my legs without them going weak.  The airsquats totally ruined me.  And I tried running, but words cannot even say how I looked and felt running the way I was. So I just speed walked. Which actually works better because it kind of locks your knees so there is less danger of falling. When I saw an officer I tried running, but if you are in town I'll demonstrate and you can get a good laugh.

Well, then back inside I pulled a grown man across mats did the push ups and pulled him back and did 10 more push ups.  It was ridiculous.  After I sat to stretch my quads and usually you feel a stretch or something. NOTHING. I felt nothing. Like I was paralyzed. Like Ricky Bobby, I'm sure you could stab me in the leg and I would feel nothing.  In my head, and even maybe out loud I told my legs, "you work for me!" Do what I say!

We are probably in the worst shape this academy has ever seen. I'm sure they laugh.  They kind of did it to our faces while we were there.  It kind of reminded me of the High School Track and Field meet.  The first one was always relays, and since we were field, they even made us do a 4x100 relay...with softballs.  It was the weight man's relay, and I'm pretty sure it was solely for the entertainment value of the slowest people on the team running with softballs instead of batons. Did I mention that the Major who kept following me did it in 14 minutes. I did it in 14 minutes add 20.  

Walking up the stairs afterwards, the other cadets gave us weird looks. Probably because we were grabbing onto the railing and holding onto it for dear life.  I'm sure if we had a camera and took video of us doing the Dead Man Down, or pretty much of us walking the rest of the day, we'd be youtube sensations.  Walking up the stairs I thought, "YOU are my EVEREST!"

Then going down the stairs for lunch, we all sounded like how we yelled during defensive techniques when they twisted our arms in "discomfort."  Only in the stairwell it echoed.  The first time I used the restroom, painful!  The rest of the day I used the handicapped stalls so I could use the rail.  TMI? Whatever. I have no pride now.

During the day between classes when we'd get up, or try to walk we would joke. Like, race each other down the hall and see who could stay upright.  It looked like if someone tried to pull us over for a DUI we couldn't even walk a straight line.  How hilarious would it be if that happened for reals, we could try to run away! Imagine the goofiest run, and me getting pulled over and asked to walk straight. Then think of me saying, try to get me now coppers! as I ran, and most likely fell.  Its hilarious in my mind. 

Well, its night now.  And not only can I not walk without a drunken swagger, the soreness has spread to my back and rear.  Walking to get my mail was fun. Each step, each curb to get up, each stair to climb, I felt like what a serious trauma recovery patient must feel like when they are relearning how to walk.  

And they told us to look forward to this severe pain for at least two days. If I can't walk tomorrow I might not go to church. I guess we'll need a miracle.

The Job

I started my job this week.  Its really the training part, but I get paid, so it counts.  Its a little different than I expected.  For example, I thought it would be 50 percent boot camp, and 50 percent classes, and I was really wondering what they would think up for 5 hours a day. But we only get physical 2 times a week for an hour or two, not counting Defensive Techniques where you are constantly grabbing/being grabbed.  

My days are technically 13 hours, because driving up there takes time (to South Jordan) then 10 hour days, plus an hour lunch).   I spend the bulk of it in class--and its not bar prep!  Well, some of it is review, so that works out...

But today we went to Defensive Techniques class, which is pretty much the coolest class ever. Basically we learn ways to hurt people and disarm them and practice on each other.  We are learning the difference between "pain" and "discomfort."  

Today, I get to class and we have to wear wrestling shoes on the mats, and I put them on for the first time. This was a mistake because apparently the store literally gave me two left feet.  I put one shoe on, then went for the other, when I realized it was a left foot.  I thought, "hey, what am I? Five? I can't put my shoe on the right foot."  Then I inspect, ah, 2 lefties.  Awesome.  So, I wear two left shoes because what else am I supposed to do? I have to wear the shoes.  Fortunately for me, the pain from twisting my arm around distracts me from the pain in my foot!  It was a pretty awesome class, despite the pain, or rather, "discomfort."  

This discomfort was at first bearable, but after nearly constant practice for an hour and a half, it started to wear you down. So, when we got to a certain move which causes the most pain, and after the officer and the girl both did it to my one arm about 10 times, I was on the ground literally kicking and screaming in pain.  And laughing.  Apparently I need to stop laughing because some officers will think I'm not taking it seriously and yell at me.  I shall try, but its either going to be laughing or crying...you pick. 

However, I still have a dull discomfort in my arms.  And now I keep wanting to show off my cool new moves on people. I really should stop volunteering people.  Especially the one where I make them lay flat on the ground and grind their shoulder.  (I am really good at that one! Sergeant was impressed!) I should really warn people after they give me the pepper spray.  

What are you...an immigrant?

So, the other night a guy came by the apartment and for some reason he wanted to talk to me, so I got out of my bedroom to say hello.  He asked me some normal questions, like, what are you majoring in, what do you want to do, what do you do, etc. So I told him, that I graduated from law school, one day I'd like to be a judge, and right now I'm studying for the bar/boot camp for my job as a Law Clerk/ Bailiff.  

1) Judge: So, he asks, you would be the final say in a trial? 

No, it depends on what court you were in, if it were a jury trial, etc, etc, a quick lesson on the court system (really fascinating conversation I know!) And that really, the only court that doesn't get overturned is the Supreme Court (unless they do it themselves...)  

2) So he asked about that, "What is a Bailiff?"  So I told him, that it was like the police of the court. You swear people in, take care of the jury, take a bullet for the judge... Then he asked, so, what does the clerk do? Take money? 

uh, NO.  They do the legal research for the judge. The actual law school side of the job...

3) Then he said, so you majored in law?  You have a bachelors in Law?  

No, I have a Juris Doctor.  

what? 

A Juris Doctor.  Like, I got a degree, then I went to graduate school--law school--for three years and got a doctoral degree.  (What, did he think I was some paralegal?)

Well, at that point when he realized I went to law school and was taking the bar...etc, I was thinking that maybe he was confused, that maybe he wasn't a citizen and was not versed in the American system, so I asked,

"Are you from Canada or something?"

The rest of the night went like this.

Boy: No. Why, does everyone already know this information?

Me: Uh...Well, I'm tired, good night. Nice to meet you....(quick getaway)

So, downside: he thinks I got my degree from the University of Pheonix or something and I'm a legal secretary.

Plus side: He didn't say a thing about how I only got into law school because I was a minority and a woman.

Officially Sane

For my job I had to get a psych test done.  It was literally four hours long. It had nearly 800 questions. Some were normal, like, "I feel fine today," or "My life is generally good," or "I love my mom/dad."  However, there were some great ones like, "someone is trying to poison me right now," "Sometimes I wake up evil," or "Voices are telling me to hurt people."  

Even if the latter were true, you'd have to be crazy to answer them correctly!  Well, about a week and a half later on Friday I talked to the shrink about my results.  Most were normal questions, and then he asked me about the quiz.  He asked, "You said 'sometimes I dread getting up in the morning,' explain that for me please."  

Uh, its just that I'm a night person and not a morning person.  I like to hit the snooze button...uh,...I'm not depressed or anything..."

I guess DREAD was too strong a word...!

Either way, I passed. A certified doctor said it, so its official.  Put your doubts away.

Adventures with Prison Doctors

So, for my job I needed to visit the prison, several times.  The first few times I would go there to get my bloodwork done, and I would go down and they would say to come back tomorrow. . . Lame. Then I finally got in, and they kept poking me.  Apparently the veins in my arms didn't show up enough for them so they kept poking.  They even tied a rubber band around my arm to pop them up, but to no avail. But my arm did start to feel like it was going to fall off.  Then the woman said that the veins in my hand were good. A compliment is a compliment, but it HURT!  Going in and coming out and these past few days where it bruised.  There were 3 vials of blood. She said it wasn't a lot, and I asked, "Comparatively? because it looks like a lot."

Well, that was fun enough, but then she needed to give me an EKG. . . and that's all I'm saying.  I kept thinking of that FRIENDS episode where Joey refers his tailor to Chandler.  The line, "Yes, that's how they do it, in PRISON"

Today I went for a physical, and I started to wonder what would happen this time.  But it was a relatively painless process of listening to my heart, asking medical history.  However, at one point he asked me my height and weight.  I told him my height, and I said, I don't know my weight, I can tell you what my driver's license says..." And then I tell him what it says.

He then looks at me for a few seconds, and adds 3 pounds.

Holy Hannah Batman! What would you have said if I didn't give you a reference point!?