The Difference a Year Makes

On Monday, it was the first day of law school classes. For me, Monday was another day of training at the jail. We learned the asp. Why we need 3 hours to learn how to swing a stick...

Once again we trek to the jail. We have to sit through a lecture about how you open an asp, blah blah blah. Then we go to the SWAT building to practice. And we do this for 3 hours, while the skin on my knuckles slowly wear away from constantly hitting a cushion. For practice we use our asps to hit, and if anything I hated that the most, because I always felt that the guy practicing would miss and hit me in the knees, Nancy Kerrigan-ing me.

BUT, for the "real life" practice, that was a different story. Well, first off, the instructor asked if we've ever been in a fight. Now, growing up, I'm pretty sure me and my brothers and sisters fought, a lot. And while we engaged in death fights, I mostly remember hitting and running away so that we "won" the fight. Whomever hit last always wins. Which, I'm fine with doing in the court room. He then asked if we ever got hit in the face, because when he came at us in a lobster outfit he wanted us to know what it felt like to get hit in the face. I told him, I was hit in the face with a discus.

Well, we had to stand in a sumo ring and fight the officer in a lobster suit. Which, is stupid. If someone really came at me and I brought out the asp, it would be a REAL asp, NOT a foam stick, and he wouldn't be covered in padding. And if I really had to fight for 2 minutes, I would also get out my pepper spray. But mostly I would wonder, "Where the H#!! is security?!" At one point the guy falls on me and I have to kick him off. I also hit him in the groin with the knee. Seriously, who wouldn't be down after that?

It was super disgusting all around. And now these past 2 mornings Kirstin and I felt like we've been through a car accident. But don't worry, we're not bitter.

State v. County

Because I am a law clerk as well as a bailiff I work for 2 different entities, and have muliple bosses. I'm a stateish employee because of my judge, and the county through the sheriff's office. In any case there are certain holidays that the state gets off when the county doesn't, and vice versa. For example, the day after Thanksgiving and Columbus day.

So, the solution they have come up with is that we outright get the day after Thanksgiving off. But, as far as Columbus day, we can't get it off, but the courts wont be open. So they have come up with something for us to do. Mandatory Fun Activities.

FUNTIVITIES!

I hope there will be management parables.

Manic Monday

It was just one of those Mondays. You know, when you take a 4 hour nap on Sunday so you don't even go to bed til 2 am. (That can't be just me.) So you wake up all tired for work on Monday. Then you have a pile of stuff to do, idiots calling you all morning, and are hungry. Then your wind tunnel of an office goes nuts. Classic, universal Monday morning.

THEN after work Kirstin and I make plans to go to Sweet Tooth Fairy to help us overcome our case of the Mondays, but it was CLOSED! Apparently they don't like Mondays so much that they don't even open. How could you do this to me STF. I thought we were friends.

We also run to the dollar store because, I GOT PEPPER SPRAYED TODAY!

We wanted some baby shampoo to wash our faces and a shower cap to protect our hair. We found the shampoo, but apparently it was too much to ask for a shower cap. And then we further angered the loyal workers when Kirstin said, "If you are shopping at the dollar store, why on earth would you buy an ovulation kit? Because obviously you are in a great place in your life to start a family? And for Heaven's sake why is it near the register? This is not an impulse buy!"

Well, then we headed to the jail, once again, to get tortured. We talked about a strange weird co-worker who may or may not have quit, because apparently, no one likes her. And then we embarked on an evening discussing how bad getting sprayed hurts and what to do if someone crazy ends up in your courtroom, and how to decontaminate.

Once again, after hearing about all the great and dreadful things pepper spray does, I started to laugh. And once again, the sergeant just stared at me and asked why in the world was I laughing. (At least I wasn't crying as well.) Kirstin had to tell him this is just what I do. Don't mind Jordan.

Then it was time to be sprayed. Kirstin went first, and she said it hurt, but she recovered in like, 5 minutes. Which, all the sergeants were impressed with. Then Chris went, and he had a much worse time. Then again, he asked to be sprayed twice. Then it was my turn, but I refused to let them spray me until there was a clear path to the big tub of water.

In the meantime, the Police Officer with the spray can was getting directions on how to spray. I was like, are you practicing on me! I need an experienced sprayer! I need to get this over quick and dirty. He said he sprayed before. Well, then it was my turn. The first time, I think the wind got most of it and it was a light spray. Yes, I said the FIRST time, because he did it again and without warning! Then I stood there while they waited for me to scream I guess.

But it didn't really hurt. The Police Officer checked, Yup, I definitely had it all over my face. I could even open my eyes right away and walk myself to the tub of water. I washed my face because it had spray on it. But other than that, I was fine. I could feel my skin tingling and sting a little, especially on my cheek bones and lips. That was it. Super anti-climactic. I have friends who wanted someone to film this. How bored they would have been. I didn't even swear. It didn't really hurt. I even braced myself for cursing God, because I didn't want to do it in a fit of pain and then get smitten as well as sprayed. Nothing. I think if anything I was in shock about how much I wasn't writhing in pain.

I like to think that I just have a superior and high tolerance for pain. You have my permission to be impressed.

Dream Fulfilled

You know how people always ask kids, “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

And for lack of imagination, a lot of kids either say the old Doctor, Lawyer, or Indian Chief—which phrase I hate. Figure out why.

Well, I did not lack imagination. According to the journal my mom kept for me, I wanted to be either a Pom Pom Girl, or American Gladiator. (Well, I guess I pronounced it Gladi-eater). Either option being super girly or quite mannish. I had not figured out moderation.

Friday my brother and sister-in-law, hereinafter “Karlos,” moved to their new apartment. It wasn’t too bad because there was an elevator. And I suggested an assembly line of sorts, from the truck to the door, the door to the elevator, up the elevator, and from the elevator to their apartment. I was the last leg.

FINALLY, we all got to the last of the items in the truck. The sectional couch. The first part to come up was the long part. It didn’t quite make it into the elevator so the boys had to take it up the stairs. I ran to meet them so I could live out a FRIENDS episode and yell out “Pivot!” but they needed some extra help, so I ended up grabbing it from the top.

So, for about 3 flights of stairs I had that couch on my back, or had to lift it above my head like a body builder. Or just grab it and go. Eventually it made it inside the apt. But Karly later on joked that I was like an American Gladiator and needed a name, like Nitro or something, but I always preferred Ice.

So, while I sold out to become a Juris Doctor, Lawyer, and Indian Princess, that night, I lived out my childhood dream of being an American Gladiator.

Cupcakes!

I have discovered Sweet Tooth Fairy, aka pure bliss.

Kirstin, Kiersty and I went there after lunch on Wednesday, and it was the most delightful experience. So much so that we decided we needed to go there again on Friday to celebrate Friday and Payday.

However, we also decided our Thursday needed spicing up, and we went there again. Kiersty thought we should buy 2 that day so that they didn't start to recognize our faces. I told her that if I bought 2 today, I will still have 0 tomorrow.

Don't worry, we went back on Friday for our cupcakes. Some guy cut me off on the ride back to work on Friday, and my friend in the car said she really wanted me to honk at him. I had to tell her, "My right hand is holding the wheel, and my left hand is holding my cupcake. I am NOT dropping the cupcake to honk."

"I can respect that," was the reply.

We definitely need to cut back on the Cupcake runs. Definitely no more than 2 a week.

Flash Dance

I can't go back to Guru's for a few weeks.

I went to lunch today with a friend and it took a half hour, but we finally decided on Guru's. It is a normal lunch. We chat, we eat, we talk about our weird emo waiter in skinny jeans, cowboy boots and handlebar mustache. We decide he's doing a very literal translation of Brokeback Mountain.

Well, its time to go back to work, which means it is time to stand up. Which, I am unable to do. Apparently my foot had fallen asleep. So, when I put weight on my sleepy foot it collapses on me. And, in front of the whole restaurant I have to catch myself on the table. Not entirely sure, but this means I might have flashed a few people in my skirt.

Thus, I wont be going back to Guru's until I am forgotten by the patrons of this afternoon.

Gone Courting

Today was my first day in court, and in my man uniform. I get to work at 8 and I think I don't have court til 10:30, so I mozy around to get things ready, when at 8:20 I ask the Court Clerk about the exact time of court, when she said it was 8:30. CRAP.

I race to fill up the water jugs, CHANGE, unlock the doors to the courtroom, get the TV in there. GREAT way to show my Judge what I can do!

So, court starts about 5 minutes late. But its all right. My judge seems really nice. I don't think he was in a huge rush. Plus, the DA's office sent in paperwork late and we needed a 1/2 hour recess to process the paperwork anyways.

Court wasn't as scary as I was thinking it would be. And since I was in court with a bunch of alleged felons, I didn't really mind looking like an unattractive man. Although, when I had to announce the judge in and out, it felt so weird, and I might have made a face, which I need to control. A moot court judge once said that you can see my "inner dialogue," which isn't the greatest thing in a courtroom.

However, I'd be a great actress.

7 Years

Last week was my first official week of real working. On Thursday all the clerk/bailiffs went to lunch because it was one of the clerk/bailiff's last Thursday. Why a last Thursday is significant...I don't know. In any case, we all go to Guru's and Lunch. (I think I'll try using more nouns as verbs.) All, that is, except the guy leaving. He was gone in the morning, and hadn't returned yet. But being that some of us had court, we couldn't wait for him to arrive. Tiny details. So, it wasn't really a celebrating your leaving, its a celebrate you are leaving.

Then it was someone's fiftieth birthday. I think the older ladies there overestimated my ability to metabolize and gave me a slice of cake from both cakes and ice cream. Don't mind me, I ate all of it, but I didn't feel good about it!

On Friday I went to UVU to take the MPRE, the ethics portion of the Bar. I met some friends. Yay for last minute mandatory testing! Well, we get there and apparently no one at the testing center knows anything about the MPRE. So, someone has to call the State Bar office to figure it all out. Its annoying for sure, but I figure, we really are at UVU taking this test...the Cornell of Utah, or is it the Cor-NOT of Utah. (Maybe you'll get that reference if you watch The Office).

And lastly, I bought things to decorate my office space. (See previous post about its prison-like qualities). Well, I hung up one of those things you put pictures in, but with a ribbon. I don't know words. Anyways, I hung these up vertically: picture board thing, oval mirror, and second picture thing. And, because I am afeared of nailing things into walls, I put those sticky hook things on the wall.

About five minutes til quittin' time, the top hook came off, hit the mirror under it, and they both fell. The mirror broke and the hook it was on also broke. So, I throw away the mirror and the hook, then I take off the broken hook. I also take off part of the wall with it. Then, since there is only one hook left in tact, I figure I'd get nails and take off the last hook, also taking part of the wall with it. So now, I need to find some white out to cover up the patches. I'm that classy.

The Office

I started my job on Monday. Its really weird to think that it wont end in a few weeks when school starts back up. This is a for real job. I have dental.

It hasn't been so bad. My judge is out of town all week, so I'm being eased into it. My office is like the red headed step child. The guy who had it before upgraded to a bigger one a floor down and with windows. And since he was moving, he didn't care to move furniture so that the walls could be painted a nice color instead of the prison wall white it currently is. Also, its super cold there, and if I keep the door open-as everyone else does- there is a wind tunnel effect that lifts the ceiling tiles up and makes a whistling sound.

Also, I'm at the end of the hall near the copier machine. So, I was sitting there with my door shut when I hear this chomping noise, like someone is chowing down on chips like there is no tomorrow. So, its super awkward. It happens each day, and then I realize, its the printer.

But really, I've never gotten an office before. So, its nice. But when you have to compare it to nicer offices, it kind of sucks. In any case, so far everyone seems nice and we talk a lot. So, its kind of fun. Also, since my judge is gone I haven't had to bailiff, ergo no uniform!

?

Have you ever gotten a call or a text message where the guy/girl calling had obviously gotten the wrong number, being that you nor anyone you know is named Tellulah, but they wont believe you?

When I first got a cell phone back in the day I woke up one lovely morning to, "Hey Babe!"

Who is this?

--Its me, Bobby!

Wrong Number.

THEN he calls back. Like I was teasing him or something. You try telling him, "I'm so not Tellulah, wrong number." But then he argues. Really, if she is pretending to be someone else just give it up!

Then just a few weeks ago I get a text message.

Hey, what's up.

--Nothing much, who is this?

Brenden.

--Doesn't sound familiar. I think you have the wrong number

[He tells me his last name.]

--Nope, don't know you, wrong number.

It's me, I sit next to you in Math Class.

--Um, pretty sure the last math class I had was in 2006 and I knew no one in it.

Silence.

Here's a tip. Don't argue with the person who says she doesn't know you. It would make us all feel better to just assume that you accidentally wrote the wrong number, or misheard the girl.

The Bar

What can I say, but that it is over!

Monday night as I was driving home from my sister’s and bringing my other brother and sister home, a car almost hit us head on (totally not my fault.) But thought it a bad thing when I thought, would it really be that bad?

Drove up Tuesday, almost got killed by a semi who thinks a blinker is to warn you that he’s coming over right that second regardless that he’ll cut you off. Then I sat in my car for a half hour trying to cram some buzzwords in my head because, even though people told me to calm down, I probably know more than I think-- I really didn’t.

Then we had to be checked in. We weren’t allowed to bring anything in but our ID, our computer and bag and blue or black pens. Some people actually made you pull out your pockets. My guy was just anal about my ID picture. Here is a picture of my ID: Bangs and hair down and straightened. Me on the day of the bar: bangs pulled back and hair in a ponytail. Your basic hot mess hag. He was like, where did your hair go? Oh, its back there. Where are your bangs? Uh, hairstyles change. And that photo was taken when I knew I would be photographed, not when I was worried about taking a test that would render my degree useless should I fail. He was also making sure my eyes were the right color. Dude, I am also not wearing makeup, the same shirt, and if you comment on my weight, so help me!...

I thought it a bad omen when I couldn’t find my seat. The morning of essays were: Trusts, Constitutional law, Family Law, and Secured Transactions, at least I wrote on those subjects. But, one day I was studying tax, because it was a folder in my defective bar study, and Nick said it wasn’t on the bar, so I should stop wasting my time. Well, as I was flipping through the essays in the morning I saw a question saying “Mr Tax and Mr Anti-Tax,” and I almost died. I wanted to stab Nick in the neck. But it ended up being about Constitutional law, so Nick lives to this day.

I wish I could have written more for those essays, but anything else I could write would be completely off topic. So, they were pretty short essays. And in secured transactions, I knew the parts of it, and who had rights over others, except I couldn’t tell you who was a Purchase Money Security Interest, so I just wrote down the order of preference and said that is how you figure out who wins…

At lunch we talked a little. Mark asked what we thought. I figured it was just 3.5 hours of my life that was wasted and would never get back. And, I approached the essays like I did the essay tests from law school. Which might have been a mistake seeing how well it worked out then!

Luckily, the afternoon was better. I was still freaked out. The topics were Contracts, Criminal Procedure, Ethics, Agency and Partnerships. So, three out of 4 weren’t bad. But at lunch I was so afraid I would get another topic I didn’t know. I was really hoping for Criminal Procedure. If I went to Police Academy for anything, it was to have Criminal Procedure committed to memory! I almost did a happy dance of joy. And by almost, I mean I kind of did in my seat. The boy next to me stared. Seriously, I would say a prayer all day, “Dear God, please let there be the subject I know on the bar. They are very limited…so if you could work it out…” What can I say, Thank the Lord!

Then the second day was all Multiple Choice over six topics. I felt it all a crap shoot. I also feel like law school was a crapshoot. But, I didn’t go back to check my answers, even when I finished 45 minutes early in the afternoon. I learned from experience, I always change it to the wrong answer. But, the ending was a little anticlimactic. I finished 45 minutes early, and they don’t let you out. So you sit there waiting. Then they have to collect everything, and apparently this year was the most applicants they’ve ever had.

Who knows how I did. I am planning a study group for February. But either way, it was the best feeling in the world to be done! It was like your birthday and Christmas wrapped in bacon and topped with a fudgsicle. I did a dance of joy that surpassed all others. The people around me were too drained to comprehend its awesomeness, but it was pure genius.

I look forward to the simple things in life. Like, not having nightmares, going to the grocery store, working out, doing my laundry, and many other things that you would feel guilty doing because it wasn’t bar study. Also, people can look forward to conversations with me where I don't say, "That's inadmissible," or "But for."

And remember, results aren’t supposed to come out for 8-10 weeks. Don’t ask, if I don’t tell. And if I fail, it was because you weren’t faithful enough. So really, I’d be feeling bad for YOU.